If you're like most singles you work 40 or more hours a week at a job you don't particularly enjoy. The reason is that you value money very highly.

How many hours a week do you spend looking for love? Probably zero. And that's the problem. Here in America our value system is twisted. We're taught to value money a lot more highly than we do love. The result is millions of single people in America who have money but not happiness.

This Guide is based on a different value system. One that holds love to be the most precious thing in life. One that says that good friends are worth their weight in gold.

You can sit back and patiently wait for romantic partners and intimate friends to come your way. Or you can take the initiative and make things happen!

This Guide does the easy part. It tells you where to go to meet people. The hard part, however, is up to you. You've got to implement the suggestions in this Guide. And that takes hard work.

So before we talk about the hundreds of places to meet people in your area let's get to the unpleasant part. There are 10 rules for meeting someone special for a lasting, loving relationship. They aren't pleasant rules. And they aren't easy. But they work. If you're willing to follow these rules, you'll leave the ranks of those who are waiting for love and join those who have found love.

RULE #1: HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Have you ever noticed that 95% of us seem to be chasing after the same 5%. I call them the "lucky 5%". They have no trouble meeting someone for a romantic relationship. They are blessed with physical beauty or money or status or all three. Relationships come to them rather than the other way around. Looking at things logically, if 95% of us are chasing after the same 5%, each of them has to date 19 of us simultaneously in order to keep all of us happy. And that's not going to happen.

How realistic are your expectations? Take a good, long, honest look at yourself.

"I've got a great personality and a heart of gold", you say. That's great, except that you live in a world in which people judge you initially by superficial things like the beauty of your face, the slimness of your body, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, and the job you hold.

So if people find your exterior to be unattractive, you've got a tough road ahead of you. For example, if you're a 3 on a scale of 10 in terms of initial attractiveness to the opposite sex, don't expect to attract a 9 or 10. If you're a woman, forget about Tom Selleck or a millionaire. If you're a man, forget about meeting a Playboy bunny. Settle for someone nice who finds you attractive.

"Does that mean I have to lower my standards?"

Sadly the answer is yes. I know it's hard to give up fantasies of Prince Charming or the beauty queen. Just remember that it's even harder to go through life without romantic love.

Newsweek Magazine's cover story for June 2, 1986 demoralized single women throughout the nation. The article claimed that if you are 30 years old, college-educated, and never been married, that you only have a 20% chance of ever finding a husband. If you reach age 35 without a spouse, your chances drop to 5%. And if you have the misfortune of being single at 40, according to Newsweek you have a greater chance of "being killed by terrorists" than finding a husband.

The Newsweek article was based on a study by two professors at Harvard and Yale Universities. Fortunately the figures have been discredited by the U.S. Census Bureau. For one thing, the Harvard-Yale Study was based on a relatively small sample. More importantly, it was based on a critical assumption: that single women in the United States would continue to follow three patterns in selecting a mate as they have in the past:

1. Marrying a man who is older than she. The average woman in America chooses a man two to four years older than she. Since men live seven years less than the average woman, this means that the older a woman becomes the fewer men are still left that are older than she. At birth there are more boy babies than girls (a 1% surplus of boys). This continues until age 35 where there is an equal ratio of single men to single women. From that point on the men start dying off so that at age 60 there are three and one half single women for every single man in the United States. This statistic becomes even more grim when you consider that many of these scarce 60 year single men are dating women in their forties and fifties! Obviously if single women continue to prefer older men their chances of finding a husband will diminish.
2. Marrying a man who is taller than she. Women who are tall (over 5'6") and like to wear high heels have a problem in meeting suitable men. I have spoken to many women who insist that a man be over 6 feet tall. That eliminates 90% of the single men in this country!
3. Marrying a man who earns more money than she. Even though women in this country still only earn 62 cents on the dollar in comparison to men, this doesn't apply to successful professional women, who have literally priced themselves out of the market! They have a very tough time finding a man who is older, taller, and wealthier than they.

The main flaw in the Harvard-Yale Study is that there's no reason why you can't adjust to these realities. Why not choose a man who is younger, shorter, or less prosperous? For years women have been complaining about how superficial men are. They chastise men for overlooking inner beauty, intimacy, and communication. Perhaps single women need to look at their own superficial prejudices regarding age, height, and money.

Single men have their own set of unrealistic expectations. They tend to prefer young, slim, pretty women. These women are at a tremendous premium. They have men standing in line for them. Unless you're rich and handsome, what are the chances that you'll attract one of these beauties?

The reality is that few women in this country have the slim figure of a model. Women begin with one third more fat than men. That is nature's way of preparing them for pregnancy. Otherwise our species might not be around today. The old adage that "beauty is only skin deep" may sound corny, but it's true. So don't worry if she is a few pounds overweight. Find yourself a loving woman with whom you can share a happy life.

RULE #2: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR FRIENDS

"Oh no, don't tell me I have to go on blind dates. You only get to meet losers."

The number one method for meeting people in this country is through mutual friends. Spread the word to your friends that you'd like to meet more people. Be sure to share with them exactly the qualities you are looking for. Ask them to include you on their guest list for dinners and parties. Have them introduce you to their friends, relatives, and co-workers as well.

Don't be afraid of blind dates. They are still a very common way of meeting people. Just don't expect too much. The likelihood is that on any particular blind date either you or the other person won't find the other to be attractive. So be patient.

RULE #3: EXPLOIT YOUR JOB

"Hey, wait a second. I'm not going to choose a job on the basis of whether it's a good place to meet people. I've got to put food on my table."

Most people choose a job on the basis of such things as money, status, enjoyment, and proximity to their homes. There's nothing wrong with that, but think about adding one more criterion: likelihood of meeting new friends. 10% of all romantic relationships begin between people who meet each other on the job, according to a study of 3000 singles. (Simenauer, J. and Carroll, D., Singles: The New Americans, N.Y., Simon & Schuster: 1982). Furthermore, according to a survey of 1,800 professional women between the ages of 21-45, "a romance between coworkers is four times more likely to last than one between a couple who met elsewhere.... About 20% of on-the-job romances lead to marriage." (Marin Independent-Journal, March, 25, 1986.)

What about the risks involved? Will you have to find another job if your office romance doesn't work out? According to the survey of professional women cited above, "only 5.3% of the women said they felt their relationship had hurt their career. Only 1 in 400 reported losing her job."

If possible choose a job where you are dealing with the public on a daily basis. Unfortunately these are often low-paying jobs (e.g., waiters and waitresses, bank tellers and cashiers.) The pay-off is that you meet lots of new people. Another option is to choose an office where there are plenty of attractive single people of the opposite sex.

What if you don't work and don't need the money? Consider a volunteer job. There are all kinds of interesting opportunities to help others and make your community a better place to live. Call up your local volunteer bureau to find out how. Along with "contributing to society" you'll also increase your visibility in the community and meet new friends. See the chapter on Volunteer Work.

RULE #4: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

Staying home is natural. It's comfortable. It's safe. It's inexpensive. There's only one problem. You'll never meet anybody by staying at home. Most singles spend almost all of their free time at home. Then they wonder why they never meet anybody!

How often should you get out of the house to meet people? That depends on how soon you want to meet someone special. If you're willing to wait 20 years, then don't sweat about it. Once a month is fine. On the other hand, if you want to meet someone soon, remember that every night you go out looking hastens the day when you succeed.

RULE #5: HANG AROUND STRANGERS ALONE

When we're kids our parents warn us to stay away from strangers. That's good advice at the time. Strangers are dangerous. What's also true, however, is that the love of your life is probably a stranger to you right now. So if you want to meet that person you're going to have to forget what your parents taught you about strangers. A good example of the problem is the following conversation:

Julie: "Are you going to the party Saturday night?

Sally: "No, I don't think so."

Julie: "Why not?"

Sally: "I won't know anyone there."

Sally's attitude is typical. She's afraid to go to a party full of strangers. But that's exactly the party she should go to. She'll have the greatest chance of meeting someone special if she knows few of the guests. In fact, the ideal party would be one where you knew absolutely no one, not even the host. In other words, a party you crashed.

The hardest part of Rule #5 is the word "alone". If you're like most single people, when you go to social functions you usually drag along your friends. I call them bodyguards. Their purpose is to insure that you won't meet anyone new. As long as you have your friends to engage in conversation, you won't have the motivation to meet new people.

Hanging around your friends is a particularly serious problem if you are a single woman, because your bodyguards make you unapproachable. Most men are scared to approach you if you're alone, due to fear of rejection. Think of how much more intimidating it is for a single man to approach you if you are part of a group! A man will wait patiently for the magic moment that never comes--the time when the women stop talking so he can introduce himself.

RULE #6: HANG AROUND THE OPPOSITE SEX

"Don't insult my intelligence. Of course I know that I've got to hang around people of the opposite sex in order to find a romantic partner."

It sounds a little ridiculous to make something so obvious into a rule. Unfortunately what is obvious isn't always followed. Most people feel most comfortable hanging around their own sex. Don't believe what you read about women's liberation or men's liberation. The fact of the matter is that men and women are very different. Men usually prefer to do "masculine" things and women like to do "feminine" things. As a result, more times than not the sexes don't mingle.

If you want to meet a man, ask yourself this question: "What do women hate to do that men love to do?" If you're a man ask yourself, "What do men hate to do that women love to do?" Whatever it is, do it. You'll find that there will be very little competition. You'll have all those attractive men or women to yourself. For example, if you're a woman, the best place to meet men is at a basketball gym.

"Are you crazy? I'm only 5 foot 2 and I have long nails. How am I going to play basketball?"

Who said anything about playing basketball? What's to prevent you from going down to the gym to watch?

"But what if a guy comes up to me and asks what I'm doing there?

You have two options: you can tell the truth or you can lie. If you have the courage, by all means tell the truth: "I'm here to meet men." If you haven't the guts to be honest, then lie: "I thought the NBA game was on tonight and was dying to see some good basketball." All's fair in love and war. If you have to tell a lie that hurts no one in order to find someone for a loving relationship, isn't it worth it?

So rush down to the gym. If nothing else you'll get to see a bunch of good looking hunks all night running around in their underwear!

In general just about any sport is a good place to meet single men. Some sports, of course, have a greater surplus of men than others. The rule of thumb is "the bloodier, more violent, more dangerous, more demanding the sport, the greater the surplus of men". Boxing, martial arts, wrestling, and hockey have a greater surplus of men than tennis or bowling, which are quite popular among women. See the chapter on Sports for specific places to watch or participate in individual sports.

"Enough of this advice for women. What about us guys? Where are all the women hanging out?"

Try an aerobics class. The ratio is usually 10 women for every man! Or try folk dancing. Here the ratio is usually three to one. In fact you'll usually find more women than men in any kind of event that features dancing (other than singles bars). Women are also more likely to attend classes, seminars, pot luck dinners, and singles clubs in general.

RULE #7: INITIATE CONTACT

"Oh, oh. I knew there was a catch. I'm willing to lower my expectations, get out of the house, and hang around strangers of the opposite sex. But don't ask me to put my ego on the line and initiate contact. I might get rejected!"

When you get right down to it, it's the fear of rejection that causes millions of singles to remain single. We're all just plain chicken.

"All right, I'll admit it. I'm chicken. So what's the solution? How do I overcome the fear of rejection?"

There's only one way: go out and get rejected. Each time you get rejected you build up scar tissue. You'll find it a little easier to approach someone the next time. Pretty soon you'll be desensitized to the pain of rejection to the point where your fear is manageable.

But don't expect to ever get rid of the pain of rejection. That will always remain. I've been rejected many, many times, but it still hurts. It's just that the pain has subsided to the point where I don't have a nervous breakdown each time I get turned down. So go out there and make contact!

"Hold it a second. Men don't like women who initiate contact."

This is pure b.s. I've asked hundreds of men in my classes this question and over 90% of them answer that they love women to take the initiative. If you're a woman, put yourself in the shoes of single men. All your life the pressure has been on you to initiate contact. You've been rejected countless times. Wouldn't you love to reverse the tables?

Where does this myth come from that men don't like forward women? I think it has to do with the Law of Rejection: Unless you're one of the lucky 5%, most single people will not find you attractive. In other words, most men are going to reject you. It has nothing to do with them not liking women who take the initiative. They just don't like you.

"O.k., you've talked me into it. But how should I initiate contact?"

The first thing is to make eye contact with someone you find attractive and smile. If they return the smile, you're in! If they turn away or fail to smile, things get riskier. If you approach them you know there's a high probability they're going to reject you. On the other hand, they may just be shy. There's only one way to find out. Take the plunge.

Most singles procrastinate for an hour before making their move. They keep waiting for an opening where they can come over comfortably and initiate contact. Before that happens usually one of two things occurs: the person leaves before you meet them or someone else beats you to the punch. In either case you lose out because you waited for the perfect opportunity.

The secret to initiating contact is to do it right away before you have time to talk yourself out of it.

"But what do I say? Give me a sure-fire opening line."

Sorry, there's isn't one guaranteed to work with everyone. You've just got to come up with the best line you can and hope for the best. If you try a funny line you may impress someone with your sense of humor or you may just end up with egg on your face.

If you try the straightforward approach, "Hi, I'm Charlie", they may dismiss you as a nerd. So you can't win all the time. But that's not the point. Nobody's keeping score! You only have to win once. Then you're set for the rest of your life. So don't worry about the flops. "Damn the torpedoes; full speed ahead!"

RULE #8: HAVE SUPERFICIAL CONVERSATIONS

"Wait a second, did I read that right? Have superficial conversations? That's the whole problem with meeting people, you wind up talking about Reagan, the weather, or the latest sports scores. BORING!"

Do you expect people to spill their guts the first five minutes they meet you? If so, you're very unrealistic. People usually want to feel you out before they open up. They want to make sure it's safe.

Every intimate conversation with a stranger begins on a superficial level. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find one prince. A dozen phony, boring conversations may be the price you pay for one sincere conversation with someone special.

RULE #9: PIN DOWN YOUR NEXT CONTACT

Does this situation sound familiar? You meet someone special. You get involved in a superficial conversation. Before you know it, both of you start opening up with private things and feelings. You start laughing. You almost feel like you've known each other all your lives. Could this be the big one? After all the searching, is this it?

But then the moment of truth arrives. If you meet at the beach, eventually the sun's gonna set. If it's at a bar, at 2 a.m. it's closing time. Sooner or later, wherever you met, the party's over. Before you leave, one of you has to end the conversation. So the two of you stand up and stare at each other, nervous and hesitant. Finally you break the silence. "I had a real nice time talking to you. Hope to see you again." Your new friend replies, "Yeah, catch you next time.

Disaster can strike so quickly at the moment of truth. Let's look at things logically. If you've seen this person once in forty years, what's the likelihood that you'll ever see each other again? Both of you have blown it. It's back to the drawing board.

This kind of tragedy happens all the time. Two people meet, obviously are attracted to each other, but then fail to follow through. And so all is for nought.

"But wait. I'd never be so dumb as to say 'catch you next time'. I'd exchange phone numbers."

That's a little better, but not much. Think of all the times you've exchanged phone numbers in the past. How many times did you actually get to see the other person again. Probably less than 50%.

People always are puzzled about this. The women all ask, "How come I meet this guy, we have a great conversation, he asks for my number, I give it to him, and then he never calls? What's wrong with men?"

Many women are quite bitter about this. They feel betrayed. Often they rush home from work the next three nights expecting him to call. The silence is deafening. What's going on here? There are many reasons why a man doesn't call after asking for your phone number:

1. He lost it.
2. He forgot who you were. This is common in situations where a great deal of drinking has gone on.
3. He remembered who you were, but forgot what a great time he had with you.
4. He fantasized that you might reject him and therefore chickened out.
5. He called a few times, nobody answered, so he gave up.

"But wait a second, I have an answering machine. Why didn't the jerk leave a message?"

Many people hate or fear answering machines. Just count the number of times people call and fail to leave a message. In a stressful situation like calling someone for a date, is it that surprising that he might hang up?

Of course the guys have their version of the story. "How come I run into women all the time who give me their number and then come up with a song and dance about how busy they are each time I call to ask them out?"

There are many reasons why a woman might not respond positively to your telephone call:

1. She forgot who you were.
2. She lost interest once she sobered up.
3. She is genuinely very busy.
4. She's afraid of dating.
5. She never intended to go out with you in the first place.

The last reason is the hardest for men to deal with. "If she didn't want to go out with me then why did she give me her damn number?" The best way to answer that question is to pretend you're an attractive woman. All your life men have come on to you and asked you out or for your telephone number. It's hard to say to someone, "I find you unattractive" or "I don't want to go out with you" or "No, you can't have my telephone number". So what do you do? You give up your telephone number, hoping he'll never call. If he does call, you lie. You say that you're busy Saturday night or you have a boyfriend.

It would be great if we lived in a world where people were honest and didn't play these games. Unfortunately, such is not the case. The price you pay for flirting with women and asking them out on dates is that a certain percentage will lie and pretend to want to go out with you. If you were a woman you'd probably do the same thing.

One piece of advice that is critical for both men and women is to always confirm a date ahead of time. Occasionally you will find that the phone number that was given to you is a phony or that the person has no intention of meeting with you. You can avoid the pain, frustration, and anger of being stood up by taking this simple precaution.

RULE #10: DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG PERSON

The great American fantasy is to fall in love and live happily ever after. Unfortunately your heart is a poor judge of character. Many single people fall in love with the wrong person and live miserably ever after. Following your feelings can be a recipe for disaster unless they are based on sound information about this person. How do you get the facts about a potential spouse? The answer is you ask.

Unfortunately most singles are afraid to getting personal for fear of scaring off a potential loving partner. So they "play it cool" at the beginning of a relationship. They especially avoid "heavy" subjects like sex.

That's fine as long as your feelings towards each other are casual. But what happens when you fall in love? All of a sudden you panic and realize that you know very little about this special person. So now you start with the personal questions. Then disaster strikes. You discover a fatal flaw. For example, you want to have children and they don't. You want marriage and they don't. They want to move to Denver and you love the Bay Area.

Now you're on the horns of a terrible dilemma. You can drop the person and go through the agony of a broken relationship. Or you can do what most people do: marry them and hope to change them. Fat chance! You'll probably end up being married to someone inappropriate and resent them for not changing. The way to avoid disastrous relationships is to get personal early in a relationship.

"Hold it a minute. Get personal with a stranger? That's too risky. They're going to think I'm nosy if I ask intimate questions. There's no doubt that it's risky to get personal. Some people can't handle intimacy. They are closed and feel uncomfortable being around someone who wants to share secrets and intimate feelings. But don't you want to find that out as soon as possible? Or would you rather date a guy for 6 months before discovering that he's an emotional cripple?

Of course there's nothing wrong with playing it cool for a while. At some point, however, you're going to have to bite the bullet. You're going to have to do two things: pry and reveal. When you pry you ask personal questions. When you reveal you let the other person learn personal things about you. That's all there is to it.

If you want to play it safe, pry and reveal simultaneously. For example, suppose you're talking to someone who mentions that they were recently living with someone but moved out. Here's your chance to get personal and raise your superficial conversation to an intimate level. You could ask, "Were you dumped or did you do the dumping?" That's getting personal, but there's a good chance you're going to offend the other person with such a heavy-handed question. An alternative is to say, "I was in a relationship until three months ago, but it broke up very painfully for me. How did yours end?"

"How soon should I get personal?"

That depends on how long you're willing to wait before falling in love. If you want to chitchat for six months before getting serious about someone, that's o.k. Just remember that you are not allowed to fall in love unless you have the answers to your critical questions. I call them killer questions. If any of them are answered incorrectly the relationship is dead. You drop the person immediately.

1. Are you single? Pretty obvious, isn't it? You'd be surprised how many people assume that someone by themselves at a party or a dance is single. Always ask. In addition, it makes particular sense for women to ask a man for his home telephone number. If he hands you a business card ask him to write his home number down as well. And be sure to call that number to make sure he isn't married or living with a woman. Be careful with people who answer that they are separated. "Have you moved out?" and "Have you filed for divorce?" are indispensable killer questions. If they are still living with their spouse or haven't yet filed for divorce, it's best you pass and move on to greener pastures.
2. Are you involved with someone romantically? Here's where you avoid someone who already loves someone else.
3. Why didn't your other romantic relationships last? Find out as much as you can about their marriage(s) or past relationships. Hopefully you'll find out their negative qualities. Then you can decide whether you can live with that flaw or should move on to someone different. You can also find out if they are incompatible with a certain kind of person. For example, maybe they can't stand being with someone who is possessive and is always checking up on them. If you are that kind of person, you can move on to someone compatible with your flaws.
4. How do you deal with conflict and problems in relationships? If their preference is to sweep problems under the rug or to fall into a rage, they are not good relationship material.
5. Do you have children? How many? Do you want children? How many? How soon do you want to have children? I have dated two women in the past who wanted to have children. By terrible coincidence both wound up falling in love with men who had had vasectomies. Talk about falling in love with the wrong person! Ask questions first; fall in love later.
6. What are your long term goals? Do you want to get married? Do you want to change careers? Do you plan to go back to school? Are you happy in this area or would you prefer moving elsewhere?
7. What do you like to do sexually? What are your sexual fantasies? Most singles are squeamish when it comes to asking these questions. The result is marriages that are unfulfilling sexually for one or both partners. Another potential result is your partner fulfilling their fantasies with others rather than you. Sexual questions are particularly important if you don't believe in pre-marital sex. In that case there's only one way to find out their sexual preferences--ask.
8. Do you have any contagious diseases? Have you engaged in high risk behavior (intravenous drugs or sex with bisexual or homosexual males)? These are literally killer questions. Falling in love with the wrong person can kill you.
9. How much do you drink? Which drugs do you do, and how often?

Here's a homework assignment. Develop your own list of killer questions. The way to do it is to analyze your previous love relationships. What character trait or behavior pattern of a romantic partner destroyed the relationship? Formulate a question to find out whether a prospect has this trait.

"How do I know that my prospective romantic partner is answering my killer questions honestly?"

Unfortunately you can't always trust people. They're going to be tempted to tell you what you want to hear rather than the truth. One way of getting around this is to quiz their parents, relatives, and friends. The ideal person to ask, of course, is their ex-spouse. Find out the "dirt" about a prospective romantic partner before you fall in love. This advice is decidedly unromantic, but it sure beats finding out disastrous information after you fall in love.

"If my partner finds out I've been snooping around their private life, there's going to be hell to pay!"

That's true, so you have to be very subtle.

Dating Etiquette

There was a time when dating was simple. Men were expected to be gentlemen and women were expected to be ladies. Their roles were clear-cut. Today single people are often mixed up about proper dating etiquette. This is particularly true if you are re-entering the singles scene after years of being half of a married couple. It can be quite traumatic to play the "dating game" without knowing the rules.

Singles often feel in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. For example, if you're a man and automatically pick up the check at a restaurant, you may gain points with one woman but antagonize another. If you're a woman and prefer to pay your own way you'll find that some men love it and others hate it. So what are the rules for dating in America in the Eighties?

There are none. What works with some singles, doesn't work with others. It may be helpful therefore, to do 2 things:

1. Communicate with your dating partners. Let them know your preferences in terms of male/female roles, and find out theirs. For example, if you are a man who enjoys opening the door for a woman, ask her if she's comfortable with that or prefers to open her own door. If you're a woman who likes to pay her own way, check that out with your partner before the date.
2. Be tolerant of your date's desires. Again using the example above, if she says she doesn't want you to open her door, then don't. Don't get upset or try to persuade your date to give in your expectations.

There are 3 issues that come up most often during dates.

Issue #1: Who Initiates the Date?

Despite what you hear about women's liberation, the man usually initiates dates in America. But it also is socially acceptable for a woman to initiate a date. So do what feels comfortable.

Issue #2: Who Controls the Date?

Some men enjoy the "masculine" role of deciding where to go on a date. Many women feel quite comfortable with this. In that case, there's nothing wrong with an "old-fashioned date" with the man making the decisions. Many men and women, however, want a more equal relationship where both share in the decisions. It's important, therefore, to communicate your preferences and try to come to an accommodation with your partner.

Issue #3: Who Pays?

Here again you can't believe all you read and hear about women's liberation. The fact of the matter is that most women in California expect the man to pick up the check at restaurants, bars, etc. If you're a man, therefore, expect to pay most of the time.

Some men feel uncomfortable with picking up the bill. They prefer a "Dutch treat" where the bill is split. That's fine, as long as you have discussed this earlier with your date and she has agreed to it. Otherwise, it is quite rude to ask a woman out to a movie, for example, and announce to her at the ticket window that she has to pay for her own ticket.

Men who would prefer that the woman "pay her fair share" often feel uncomfortable about discussing these matters. They are afraid that the woman will consider him to be cheap. This is indeed a possibility. Many women expect to be treated generously by a man. Some want to be taken to expensive restaurants, night clubs, etc. They may expect the man to bring flowers, a bottle of wine, or candy on a date when he comes to pick her up.

What do you do if you're a man and feel uncomfortable with all this? Don't date that kind of woman. There are plenty of women who are willing to pay their own way. They are the minority, but still a sizable one.

Some men feel quite bitter about society's expectation that they pick up the tab on dates. They can't understand why women are so "unfair". The most obvious reason is tradition. Throughout history men have been the "providers" and women have been the "homemakers". Today, with a significant percentage of the American work force composed of women, this is no longer always the case. But old traditions die slowly.

Another explanation is the fact that women only earn 72% of what men do in our society. For this reason many women feel that it is quite fair that the man pay for activities on dates.

One way the issue of equity is often settled is by the man paying for out-of-pocket expenses and the woman repaying him by having him over for dinner. This is a very fair way of handling the issue since most single men don't eat very good meals and really appreciate a home-cooked meal.

If you are a woman, you may have a problem adjusting to the expectations of different men on this issue. One man may be offended if you offer to pay your half. The next may be delighted. Again communication and tolerance are the keys. Normally it's assumed that the man will pay, but if you prefer to pay your own way you should discuss this ahead of time, preferably on the phone before your first date.

Come to an agreement on who is to pay.

What do you do if the man insists on paying? You can call him a male chauvinist pig and refuse to go out with him again. Or you can accede to his wishes and let him pay. This has obvious financial advantages. There often is a disadvantage, however. Some men believe that if they spend money on a woman this entitles them to sexual favors. Don't allow yourself to fall into this trap. If you're going to feel pressured to give in sexually to a man who spends a lot of money on you in an evening then insist on paying your own way. If he won't agree to this, then cancel the date.

In other words, stick up for your rights. Try to be accommodating to the needs of your date, but not at the cost of sacrificing your own values or comfort.

The most difficult issues of all often pertain to sex. They are discussed in the chapter on Sex and the Single Person.  

The Rules of the Dating Game

GAME: "a competitive activity involving skill, chance, and endurance on the part of two or more people who play according to rules." (Random House Dictionary)

RULE #1: HOW WELL YOU ENJOY THIS GAME = HOW WELL YOU MASTER THE RULES. It is up to you to learn the rules. Ignorance of the rules will not protect you from the consequences of breaking them.

RULE #2: HOW WELL YOU ENJOY THIS GAME IS BASED ON THE PURPOSE YOU ASSIGN IT. For example, if your purpose is to have fun, to learn about yourself and others, and to develop your social skills, then you can enjoy virtually any given date. If, on the other hand, your purpose is to meet your "soul-mate" (whatever that is!)--who will magically and instantly turn your unhappy life into a happy one, then it is virtually certain you will not enjoy any given date, nor the game itself.

RULE #3: GET A LIFE! (if you don't have one already) . This means: define and pursue your own interests--including building non-romantic relationships with a variety of people, including couples. Dating requires that you invite another person into your life. If you don't have one, you are unlikely to attract someone you would want as long-term partner, since we attract people who are basically at the same level we are. By the way, there is a "rule of life" at work here, which some people don't like: YOU are responsible for your happiness; no one can "make" you happy.

RULE #4: MAKE AN ABSOLUTE COMMITMENT TO LOVE YOURSELF--EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU CAN'T OR DON'T KNOW HOW. A successful relationship is built on three cornerstones: communication, caring, and commitment. And there is no way you can give these to another if you withhold them from yourself. Consider using this affirmation daily: "I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND AND STRONGEST SUPPORTER; I LOVE AND APPRECIATE WHO I AM!" A powerful "stand," such as this, will support you in practicing Rule #5. Also, if you practice being more loving to others, as a life-style, you will increase your self-love. Plus you'll be much more attractive as a person.**

RULE #5: GET A HANDLE ON YOUR SELF-TALK! Your enjoyment of the dating game--or any activity--is relative to your self-talk. Most people disempower themselves, at times mercilessly, with negative evaluations of themselves and others. Learn to observe your "internal dialogue" with detachment, like images on a movie screen, and not react to it. (The practice of meditation is extremely helpful for cultivating this ability).***

RULE #6: CHOOSE A COMPANION -- not a friend or love interest: that comes later.... (A companion may be defined as a person with whom you share activities, where the activity is more important than the particular person). Pick three (3) people you'd like to get to know better. (If you don't know three such people, go back to Rule #3). Select an activity which you enjoy. Then pick the one person you think you would have the most fun being with, and invite them to share that activity with you.

RULE #7: EASE UP ON YOUR EXPECTATIONS! Don't expect your first date with anyone to be "the one." A loving, committed partnership requires, in addition to "chemistry," shared values & life-style preferences, compatible goals, complementary personalities, and similar expectations of (and capacity to nourish) a relationship. So, if you want a life-partner, plan to meet and go out with lots of people, until you find someone where all these things line up. Meanwhile, the more you relax and allow things to "just unfold," the more you'll be able to enjoy and get to know your date. And your date will relax, without feeling "sized up." Plus, you'll discover other kinds of valuable relationships, if you're not just focused on romance.

RULE #8: KEEP IT LIGHT. Don't tell your most intimate, personal secrets on the first or second date! Healthy people know how to protect themselves, and you do this by keeping your sharing to the public level: this means it would be OK for anyone to know this about you. Be genuinely interested in your date, and ask them questions about their life--their interests, work, friends & family, hobbies and preferred fun activities, etc. The more interested you are in them, the more interested they'll be in you (if not, you have a "warning light!"). Also, it's critical to balance showing interest in the other person and making room for them to show interest in you: if you're always pursuing, it's likely your partner will retreat!

RULE #9: YOU DECIDE: IS THIS PERSON A FRIEND? If you determine that you have enough in common, after the first date, and you enjoy one another's company, then it's time to ask yourself this question. At the friendship level, the person is more important than the activity. Here, communication is very important, and you need to be able to recognize and move between levels of sharing. See if you can begin to share at the private level (personal thoughts and feelings you wouldn't want publicly known), and at the intimate level (thoughts and feelings about the other person)--and notice their response: is it accepting or judging (or aloof)? It is useful to imagine four levels of depth in sharing, and to go no more than one level deeper than your partner does. Also, don't confuse private and intimate sharing: e.g., giving details about how you were abused as a child is not a turn-on!

RULE #10: JUST SAY "WHOA" TO SEX! If you feel comfortable, safe and mutually attracted with your new friend, then it may be appropriate to explore sexuality...(healthy relationships are based mainly on comfort; unhealthy relationships are based mainly on intensity). WATCH OUT HERE! You need to be rigorously honest with yourself: it's very easy for a person starving for contact to see a friend in their first date. But the fact is, they're a stranger, and having sex with a stranger is dangerous! (Also, please practice safe sex: sex is wonderful but not worth dying for!). You need to know what sex means to your partner: don't assume anything. You also need to respect and admire each other as people: you simply can't build a satisfying relationship without these two qualities. Chemistry is obviously important, but it can distort your thinking. If you have a history of crash & burn relationships, it's a good idea to get feedback from your friends, before you "take the plunge."

* The author acknowledges Terence Gorski, M.A., C.A.C., for much of the content of these "rules."

** For more on self-love, I recommend Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul. Also A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson is excellent for enhancing our ability to love ourselves and others.

*** What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, by Shad Helmstader is excellent on this subject.  

The Dinner Tab Blues

The Dinner Check. (Jaws music, please...) Who picks it up? And why? And why is it such a big deal? Most of the rest of the world is trying to figure out where their next meal is coming from, and we’re worrying about who’s gonna pay for it. And the mere fact that this issue has come to the table speaks to the strides women have made.

There was never a question before. The man got it. Every time. Nice and easy. But, women with their own money shifted the dynamic. And now confusion reigns. On the one hand there’s the man who sputters, “No woman’s ever gonna pay if I’m around,” to which Woman A purrs, “Now, that’s my kinda man,” and Woman B rolls her eyes and sneers mildly, “My, how enlightened...” Representing the other camp is the guy who asks, “If a woman is making good money, why can’t she help out?” Woman A now gets to roll her eyes and mutter, “Cheap!” while Ms. B will thank her lucky stars that there’s some sensible men in the world.

In case you hadn’t figured out by now, I’m the guy behind Door #2. Mr. Sensible or Mr. Cheap, depending on who you talk to. I believe women when they say they wanted to be treated equally. I believe them when they say they should be on economic parity with men. They lose me when they say all that and then murmur dreamily, “But it’s just so romaaaaaaaantic when the guy pays.” And you think dating’s a drag? Trust me. The word takes on a whole new dimension when the date’s a total bummer and you’re paying for it.

Seems pretty obvious to me that when the guy’s always picking up the tab, he’s establishing a certain “beholden-ness” on the part of the woman. She owes him. No wonder so many men won’t dare allow the woman to pay. They need all the help they can get. Is having him pick up your salmon in raspberry dill sauce really worth that little twisted element hanging over the relationship? You might say, “Well, I don’t care what he thinks is going to happen. I don’t owe him anything.” Just so you know, you’re not helping here. You may believe that, he may not even consciously feel he’s owed, but the tension and undercurrent of obligation is there nonetheless. Don’t kid yourself.

In case you hadn’t noticed, male/female relationships as a whole aren’t exactly going swimmingly these days. Even ones that start out completely openly, honestly, and devoid of hidden agendas - welcome to Fantasy Island - have a rough ride. Why would anyone go out of their way to handicap themselves right out of the gate? Not like I’m right or anything, but doesn’t it sound a little more level-headed to set up the relationship so that if something does develop, it’s because both sides - through open communication and healthy rapport - are operating from a position of strength, and not out of an unspoken and often unperceived sense of expectation or obligation?

Others will don the mantle of rationality - sort of - even managing to conjure up a straight face and say, “Well, it seems pretty cut and dry. Whoever asks the other out should pay.” How convenient. The fact that men still ask out women by a ratio of about 99:1 never occurs to anyone. Furthermore, I’ve been out with plenty of women who don't think for a moment, that just because they asked you out, that it changes the natural order of the universe, i.e. Men Pay. As a matter of fact, they take it a step further. If you’ve been lucky enough to have been “The Chosen One,” selected by her out of the pen of anxious, hopeful boys, then it goes without saying that to show your gratitude, you should be positively thrilled to pay.

This is very interesting. Because it strikes at the heart of a fundamental, undercurrent conversation in our society: that women have “the goods” that men want and should be oh-so-willing to pay dearly for. Never the other way around. And while the surface interaction between men and women has shifted from woman on a pedestal to the sexes more on par, the old paradigm still lives, breathes, and drives the unfolding events.

Several years back, I got into a conversation with a gentleman musician who did massage on the side. DISCLAIMER: Massage, as it’s practiced today, is a completely mainstream, holistic, and non-sexual enterprise, and this story is not meant to imply anything to the contrary. So, relax. We got to talking about one particular massage, which developed - quite spontaneously, and by mutual consent - into something a bit more intimate, shall we say. Afterwards, the woman, who had initially agreed upon the hourly rate for his massage services, commented quite matter-of-factly, that in light of how things had turned out, she obviously didn’t owe him anything now. The gentleman, being rather liberated and enlightened - bad news for the lady’s wallet - didn’t quite see it that way, to say the least. He made his feelings quite clear, even going so far as to suggest that he should charge her double. I like this guy. As he put it, “We finally came to a mutually agreeable settlement.” He better not have sold out.

Above all, when the check arrives, common sense needs to prevail. When the guy makes $100,000 and the woman makes $25,000, her paying half doesn’t make sense. But more importantly, it’s whatever works for them and their relationship. I can’t stand it when some idiot woman’s or men’s magazine decides what the new standard should now be.

And while I’m blowing my reputation for the next decade or so, I might as well really go out in a blaze of glory. Let’s talk about 2 for 1 dinner coupons. Yup, I use ‘em. Can you believe it? Sometimes even on a first date. You know once you start opening up, it just feels so good to get it all out. And you wanna know why I use ‘em? I’ll tell you why. Here goes. You ready for this? This is rich: Because they save money. The naked truth. Revealed at last.

Somewhere along the line, it became cool to take $10 bills and $20 bills and flush them down the toilet. Someone decided that when a guy was looking at a $50 dinner check, to use a piece of paper or card that reduced it to $35 said something really unflattering about him. And more importantly, it was an insult to you. Geez. With all the crapola that life constantly throws at us, you’re hung up on that? You gotta be kidding. Get over it, will ya?

I wonder what Seattle’s like this time of year...