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Long Distance Romance
Back in the days of the Old West there was a tremendous shortage of single women. Pioneer single men who wanted to settle down and raise a family were forced to import women from the more
populated areas of the country. These women became known as "mail-order" brides. Today there is no such shortage. Nevertheless, many singles prefer to correspond with other singles around the country and also overseas, rather than limit themselves to
singles in their own geographical areas. There are three types of singles who choose to correspond with people far away:
CORRESPONDENCE SERVICES
Millions of people around the world hope to immigrate into the United States. Due to American immigration quotas, only a small percentage are admitted to the U.S. each year. One way to hasten
the process is to marry an American citizen. As a result, there are many companies that help American men meet foreign women. Usually they publish a directory of foreign women, including photo and brief descriptive profile. American men are encouraged to
correspond with these foreign women through the mail.
There is nothing illegal about these correspondence dating services. What is illegal, however, are sham marriages that are often arranged by unscrupulous companies that charge foreign women
thousands of dollars to come to the U.S. to marry American men whom they have never met. Usually these marriages are never consumated sexually and a divorce follows shortly. The U.S. Immigration Service is quite aware of this scam and has tightened procedures
to prevent the success of such unscrupulous companies.
The basic problem with these services is that eventually either you or your "pen pal" have to travel a long distance in order to meet each other. In the case of American men seeking
foreign women, almost inevitably it is the American who winds up paying for the plane fare.
A second problem with international dating services is the potential for being exploited. As soon as your mate becomes naturalized, you may be expendable. Also, it is common for foreign brides
to want to bring their entire families over to the United States eventually. Guess whose home they'll be staying at while they are getting established?
Not all correspondence dating services involve American singles meeting foreign singles. There are many such services that entail a "pen pal" relationship between American singles.
TRAVEL
Another method for creating a long distance romance is through travel. Have you ever noticed how different people are when they're on vacation? The new locale liberates many people so that
they're friendlier and more open to new friends and romantic relationships. It's not unusual for people to fall madly in love on a cruise or at a vacation resort with someone they wouldn't even notice if they lived next door!
Which cruises or vacations have the most single people in the age range that interests you? Some cater predominantly to middle-aged and older; some to couples; some to singles in their 20s and
30s. Your travel agent can help you decide.
Club Med is probably the most popular vacation package for singles (although couples also attend). Your travel agent can give you the details. Incidentally, in case you've never called a
travel agent, they usually work on a commission basis, which means their services are free to you, the customer.
PERSONAL ADS
Another method for meeting singles from other areas is by placing a personal ad in a publication in that locale. How to be Happily Single
Most singles approach the single state as a cross to bear. They see bachelorhood as a way station between marriages. It's inconceivable to them that they could ever be happy as a single.
Society reinforces this belief. It teaches us that happiness lies in the nuclear family. Singles are often dismissed as "old maids" or suspected of being gay. No wonder it's tough to be single in America!
The fact of the matter, however, is that single people are often far happier than couples. You can be happily single also. The first step is to get rid of the "grass is greener on the
other side syndrome". You have to realize that being married isn't all it's cracked up to be. There are 3 ways to accomplish this.
Once you get over the "grass is greener on the other side syndrome" you're ready to make the most of being single. There are three keys to being happily single.
KEY #1: ACCEPTING YOURSELF
Several years ago I had the good fortune of spending a weekend at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California. I was with a group of about 20 people in an encounter group. There was one
middle-aged gentleman who impressed me deeply. He appeared to be very happy and seemed to have a genuinely high opinion of himself. Believing that self-esteem was the most important key to happiness, I asked him for his secret.
His answer astounded me. He said, "I don't have high self-esteem. I know my limitations and I accept them. That's the key to my happiness."
Unfortunately society teaches that you should "live up to expectations--your own and those of others. That's great if you can live up to all of them. But what happens if you have
contradictory expectations? Or what if you fail to meet some of them? Often the result is low self-esteem and misery for the rest of your life.
Think back to your childhood. Your parents always insisted that you be a good little boy or girl. You were taught that if you didn't meet those standards you were a rotten person. You were
rejected and/or punished by your parents for being yourself and not being the person they wanted you to be.
When you went to school the same process continued. Your teachers rewarded you with compliments, smiles, gold stars, and good grades when you were "good". But if you were a lousy
speller, couldn't memorize your times tables, or were noisy you were rejected and labeled as a "slow learner" or "discipline problem".
Likewise your peer group damaged your self concept. If you couldn't hit the ball as far as your friends or didn't have as pretty a dress you were shunned. You learned that you were an
unattractive or bad person.
The process continues throughout life. Bosses, co-workers, employees, customers, clients, friends, lovers, spouses, children. All of them are in a position to do damage to your self-concept by
insisting that you be something you aren't. You can spend your entire life striving to meet those expectations. But that's not the road to happiness. The key to happiness is to dump all the expectations and give yourself permission to be yourself.
KEY #2: CHANGING YOURSELF
Most people will agree that accepting yourself is a key to happiness. But shouldn't you also strive to be the best person you can possibly be? Certainly there's nothing wrong with trying to
change yourself for the better. Be careful to consider two points, however, before deciding to change yourself.
Unless you are motivated to pay the price you're kidding yourself if you expect to change. As an example let's look at obesity. In our society women in particular are trained to be ashamed of
their bodies because they're too fat. Hundreds of thousands of teenage girls are anorexic or bulemic (they starve themselves or throw up continuously) because of this neurotic American obsession with slimness. If you don't have the figure of a model you
probably chastise yourself continuously.
Most American women (and many men) go from one crash diet to the next. This is despite the fact that 98% of the time they either don't lose a significant amount of weight or regain it all
within 6 months.
Why is it so hard to lose weight and keep it off, despite the intense pressure placed on you to do so? Because being slim, for most people, involves paying a very high price--pain every day of
your life. You can't be "good" every other day or every other week. You have to diet 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year--forever. Not many people are willing to pay this price.
So what do you do? You go on crash diets, lose weight, and then eventually get tired of the price and go back to being fat. Then you beat yourself up psychologically and the cycle resumes with
another crash diet. The result: you wind up being as fat or fatter than before and your self-concept goes down the drain.
What's the solution? Ask yourself, "Am I willing to suffer every day for the rest of my life in order to be thin? Or will I be happier being fat?" If you aren't willing to pay the
price for slimness the only rational alternative is to give yourself permission to be fat and abandon all dieting. Eat to your heart's content and become a happy fat person.
The same holds true for any other negative quality or habit. Be honest with yourself and ask whether you are willing to pay the price to rid yourself of your habits. If you aren't, then try to
make the most of your life in spite of these qualities.
On the other hand, suppose you have a positive goal. For example, you may have a desire to become wealthy. If you're like most people you'll never achieve wealth--because you aren't willing to
pay the price. You'll fantasize about great wealth. Or you'll wait for a miracle to happen--e.g. winning the Irish sweepstakes or marrying a millionaire. In the meantime you remain impoverished.
If you want to make a great deal of money you have to do it "the old- fashioned way", as the commercial goes. "You have to earn it". That means long, hard, tedious hours.
It involves working when you'd rather play. It means taking chances. You'll have to live a frugal lifestyle so you can save the nest egg you need for starting a business or investing in real estate.
If you're not willing to pay the price to achieve wealth, give up the fantasy. Be realistic and face the fact that you have chosen to live comfortably now rather than sacrifice for the future.
There's nothing wrong with a modest standard of living--as long as you have rationally decided that it's preferable to working to achieve great wealth.
KEY #3: CONTROLLING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
One of the cardinal tenets of pop psychology is to "let it all hang out". You're supposed to unleash all of your anger, frustration, bitterness, and repression. That's supposed to be
the key to emotional health.
There's an element of truth to this. If you keep your negative emotions locked up there is the danger that one day you'll explode. Ulcers and other negative symptoms may also result from
keeping a lid on your emotions.
But there is a better way to deal with your negative feelings. You can take charge and control them, rather than sit back passively and allow them to control your life.
Your negative emotions don't just happen. They are the results of statements you make to yourself. Let's take jealousy as an example. Your sweetheart is flirting at a party. You react by
saying to yourself: "My lover has no right to flirt with someone else. My lover should only flirt with me. This is unfair and cruel. I don't have to take this." Needless to say, if you make these statements you will feel jealous and miserable. You
may wind up making a nasty scene, leaving in a huff, and refusing to have sex with your partner for a week as punishment for lack of fidelity. You suffer, your partner suffers, and the relationship deteriorates.
Sound familiar? The tragedy of this scene is that it didn't have to happen. You could have said to yourself, "My lover has a right to live his/her life as s/he wishes. That includes
flirting." If you say this to yourself (and believe it) you won't feel upset at innocent flirting at a party.
Another negative emotion you can control is guilt. Beating yourself up psychologically over a past indiscretion serves no useful purpose. You can make yourself feel miserable for the rest of
your life over past mistakes if you aren't careful. The solution is to control your guilt by changing the statements you make to yourself.
Let's take an extreme example. Suppose you murder someone. You go to prison and, like most murderers, you eventually are released. It would be easy to say to yourself, "I'm a rotten,
disgusting human being. I don't deserve to live. What I did was horrible. I hate myself."
The only problem with these statements and the resulting guilt is that they serve no useful purpose. The person you murdered is dead. No amount of guilt will ever make up for your dastardly
deed. The important thing now is to make sure that you never repeat your mistake and to try to make your life the best life possible.
Maybe you can help the family of your victim. Perhaps you will choose to devote some of your time to charitable endeavors. Whatever you do, don't wallow in guilt. Try to make the most of the
rest of your life by saying, "I did something terribly wrong and will do everything I can to avoid repeating my mistake. In the meantime I will do my best to bring happiness into my life and the lives of others."
Worry is another negative emotion that must not be indulged. As an example, supposed you fear your lover will dump you. Every time your lover comes home late, ignores you, or says something
angry you conclude that the relationship is about to end. You spend a considerable amount of time each day worrying about being dumped. You probably drive your lover up the wall by neurotically demanding attention and reassurance. Meantime your constant
worrying serves no purpose other than to make your life miserable. No amount of worrying will increase the chances of survival of your relationship.
The wise course would be to change your statements to yourself. Don't say, "My lover is going to leave me and my life will be ruined. I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my
life." Instead say, "Maybe my relationship will end and I'll be miserable for a while. But millions of other people have been dumped and have gone on to happy relation- ships. I can also. Besides, I don't know for sure my relationship will end. Maybe
if I sit down with my lover and share honestly we can work things out."
What do you do if you find that you can't stop making statements that cause negative emotions? You may wish to employ the thought-stopping techniques recommended in Thoughts & Feelings
(Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publi-cations, 1981.) One easy technique is yelling "Stop!" at the top of your lungs. For example, every time you worry about losing your job, shout "Stop!". Obviously you won't feel comfortable doing this
publicly. There are other techniques you can employ. For example, wear a rubber band around your wrist. Whenever you make negative statements to yourself that make you miserable, snap the rubber band. These techniques are so simple they may appear silly. They
aren't. They are effective ways of avoiding a lifetime of misery.
Changing or stopping the statements you make to yourself aren't the only methods for controlling your negative emotions. There are many others. Relaxation techniques are an effective way of
overcoming negative emotions such as anger or anxiety. When you feel under stress the first thing to is to concentrate on your breathing. You will find that you are breathing faster and less deeply than normal. Hopefully your breathing will slow down and
become deeper just in the process of monitoring your breath. If not, concentrate on achieving this.
The interesting thing about negative emotions is that they are usually associated with a tense body. If you can relax your body you will often find that your negative emotions dissipate.
There are many other relaxation techniques that are taught in books and cassette tapes. A good book to read is The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger
Publications, 1980). You will learn new breathing techniques and ways of relaxing your body.
CONCLUSION
If you're like most people, you bought this book because you wanted to meet someone special for a lasting, loving relationship. The information and techniques in this book will help you
achieve that goal. But it's hard work. So before you get your hopes up, ask yorself if you're willing to pay the price for finding love.
In the meantime, don't put your life on hold. Make the most out of being single. Strive to be the happiest person you can possibly be. That way if someday you do choose to commit yourself to
someone, it won't be out of desperation. It will be because you have met someone wonderful and have succeeded in creating a beautiful relationship.
Good luck! Singles Bars
Everybody hates singles bars. Or so they say. That's despite the fact that singles bars are loaded with single people who want to meet someone nice for a romantic relationship. So why don't we
all love singles bars?
Go to a singles bar on a Friday or Saturday night and you'll find out the answer. Have you heard of the 80-20 Rule? It means that 20% of baseball players hit 80% of the home runs and 20% of
fishermen catch 80% of the fish. At singles bars, 20% of the people get 80% of the action. The rest go home without having met anybody nice. No wonder they hate singles bars.
You can be one of the 20% who meet nice people in bars. You just have to follow the rules. For men there are three suggestions.
Just remember that most of the women who go to singles bars aren't there to talk to their friends, get drunk, or listen to the music. They are there to meet men. Do them and yourself a favor.
Make contact.
Likewise, if you are a woman, you can meet many fine men if you follow these suggestions:
If you don't feel comfortable in bars, that's fine. There are plenty of better places to meet people. But if you do decide to go to a singles bar, do it right. Follow the rules so that your
experience will be a happy, satisfying one.
Which bars should you frequent? That depends on personal taste. There are two main types of singles bars: conversation bars and dance bars. Conversation Bars are places where you can easily
carry on a conversation. The music is for background, not dancing. This is ideal for getting to know someone. There's only one catch. At a conversation bar it's difficult for people to meet. There's no easy, socially acceptable way to introduce yourself by
asking someone to dance. So if you're a man and know you won't have the nerve to engage anyone in conversation, skip the conversation bars. If you're a woman, sitting at a table is the kiss of death. Very few men will have the guts to initiate contact.
The second type of singles bars, Dance Bars, are the most popular. The reason is that it's much easier to approach someone. You're just asking for three minutes of their time. The
disadvantage, of course, is that it's next to impossible to carry on a conversation with the music blaring in your ears. What's the solution? Go to a place with live music, rather than a disk jockey. Every 45 minutes the band will sit down and you'll be able
to converse with new friends.
What do you do if you don't like to dance and have a hard time making contact at a conversation bar? I've heard of one single woman who goes to a different bar every Monday night during the
football season. She couldn't tell you the difference between a touchdown and a home run. All she does is sit in a corner and balance her checkbook. The men come over to meet her during breaks in the action because she's more interesting to them than the beer
commercials.
Another option is to go to bars that feature free hors d'ouevers (usually 5-6pm). When you see someone attractive of the opposite sex in the food line, stand behind them and ask that them
what's good to eat. Even if you don't meet anybody special at least you're getting a free meal! Singles bars throughout America are not listed in this Guide because you shouldn't have any trouble locating them. The Cocktail Lounges section of the yellow pages of your phone book will list many of the more popular bars. Local newspapers also list bars and the kinds of music they feature. The American Singles Scene
Half of American adults are single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. That's over 68 million singles just like you who are hoping to meet the right person for a lasting relationship. And we
all have one thing in common. We all need love.
The tragedy is that most of us are too embarrassed to admit it. And we're too scared of rejection to reach out to each other. So we stay home and feel lonely. And complain about how hard it is
to meet people.
Single women are particularly pessimistic. Many complain that "all the men in America are either married, gay, or dead." I teach classes for singles at 30 colleges throughout
California and Nevada. Wherever I go I hear amazing statistics from women about the shortage of men. Some single women actually believe that there are eight women for every man in their county!
That's simply not true. For every 94.5 men in America there are 104.7 women. That's a significant surplus of women, but nothing like the crazy estimates often given.
A 1984 study revealed the male-female ratio in the top 38 metropolitan areas of America. The researches claim that they eliminated confirmed bachelors and gay men from the study and only
counted men eligible for marriage. For every 100 women here are the number of eligible men:
1. San Diego, CA = 75.1
("Figuring the Odds in the Marriage Market", Noreen Goldman & Charles F. Westoff, Money Magazine, 12/84, pp. 32-39).
Mademoiselle Magazine (March, 1986), listed cities according to ratio of men to women. Unlike Goldman & Westoff, however, they did not differentiate between single men and married men.
Here are the number of men for every 100 women in these cities:
1. Anchorage, AL = 107.7
Mademoiselle also recommended five smaller cities for finding a husband. Here are the number of men for every 100 women:
1. Ames, IA = 111.3
Their list of the worst cities for finding a husband included cities with the following number of men for every 100 women:
Baltimore, MD = 87.6
They particularly discouraged looking for a husband in Boston (too many college boys, not enough mature men) and San Francisco (99.1 men for every 100 women, but 24% of the men are gay or
bisexual).
For women who are discouraged by these figures, Mademoiselle recommends moving to United Arab Emirates (68.96% male), Qatar (63.62% male), Kuwait (59.62% male), Bahrain (58.38% male), or
Greenland (54.28% male).
Sometimes, of course, statistics can lie. The figures above are misleading because they aren't broken down by age bracket. While there is a surplus of single women in most age brackets,
there's actually a shortage of single women in America in the 20-24 age bracket. For every 100 single women in that age group there are 160 single men!
Where does this surplus come from? Partly it's because of the fact that there are more boys born each year than girls (a surplus of 1% more male babies). Since men tend to marry women 2 - 3
years younger than they, there is a shortage of eligible women in their twenties.
Eventually, however, another factor moves in to reverse the imbalance: men tend to die seven years younger than women. At age 35, for example, enough men have died that there is an equal
number of men and women in the United States. By age 60 there are 3 and 1/2 single women for every single man in the U.S. The odds are even worse than this statistic suggest because men 50 years old and over marry women an average of eight years younger than
they.
If you're a middle-aged woman, however, don't panic. The surplus of single women of your age isn't an insurmountable problem because most of these women aren't really much competition. The
overwhelming majority of them stay either stay home almost all the time or don't have a clue as to where to meet single men. That's where you have the advantage. By following the simple suggestions in this book you can beat the odds and find the right man for
a happy, loving relationship.
But enough of statistics. Regardless of how many single men or women there are to meet, Mr. or Ms. Right isn't going to knock on your door. You've got to go out of your way to find them. This
Guide has all the information you'll need. But there's one missing ingredient. And that's you. You've got to be committed to implementing the suggestions in this Guide.
There are literally millions of living, breathing, single men in America who want to meet a special woman for a loving relationship. And, of course, there's no shortage of single women who
want to meet a special man.
But Mr. or Ms. Right isn't going to knock on your door. You've got to go out of your way to find them. This Guide has all the information you'll need. But there's one missing ingredient. And
that's you. You've got to be committed to implementing the suggestions in this Guide.
That means hard work. And a lot of frustration. But in the end it will all be worth it. Because the pay-off will be a loving relationship that brings great joy to your life.
A Line in the Sand
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, commiserating about the rigors of dating in the 90s. It’s not just an adventure, it’s a job. Her story was troubling, mainly because I’ve
heard different variations on the same theme quite a bit lately. Girl meets boy. (FYI, the sexes are interchangeable). They click and agree to get together. They shoot for lunch one of the following weekend days.
He calls Friday night and leaves message about above-described plan. She calls him back. He doesn’t return her call till Sunday night, then doesn’t even bring up the discussed plans or
even acknowledge that he never called her back. She’s ticked. She made no plans for Saturday or Sunday afternoon, then wondered all weekend what was going on. And then, she’s the one who has to even bring it up. Oh, yeah, I’m sorry, he says, I just sort
of got busy.
OK, one black mark, but she’ll give him another shot. He calls later in the week, apologizes again, and they make plans to get together Friday night at 6:30 in a certain area of town, exact
place TBD. She tells him the best place and time to reach her during the day. He calls the wrong office, leaves a message with no details, then calls her home, with a message to call him at home. On a whim she checks her home answering machine and gets his
message.
She calls him twice, at 6:00 and at 6:30 from her car in the meeting area, gets his machine both times, and goes home. Doesn’t hear from him till the next morning. He says I left messages at
your work and home, but didn’t hear back from you, so I left. Huh? Wait a minute, she says. Unlike you, I did everything I was supposed to do. And besides, if you really wanted to see me, you would’ve made it happen. He calls her at work on Monday, and she
basically tells him she’s busy, doesn’t really have time for this, seeya.
He sends her flowers, asking for one more chance, and invites her to brunch. She says she’ll get back to him. We talk. I tell her to blow him off now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Here’s the most amazing thing about the story. Most rational people would say dump the chump. Life’s too short. But according to her, the pickins are so slim out there that she’s
actually considering giving this idiot one more shot. And for the record, my friend is sharp, pretty, with-it, mature, accomplished. How have we come to this, where behavior we wouldn’t tolerate from a 12 -year old is de rigeur amongst possible dating
partners?
I’m hearing this a lot today. What’s the matter with people? Why is it that so many people today have such a casual relationship with their “word” ? Because a lot of other people have
been letting them get away with it. You know who you are. So, I’ve got one question for you: what do you think a relationship or marriage is going to be like with someone like this?
And if you’re going to keep enabling these fools, for whatever reason - slim pickins’, beats staying at home, she makes me laugh, he has cute dimples, you know, the good solid reasons -
then do us all a favor. Never again complain about your lousy romantic life. Never whine again about how there’s no good men or women out there. If you’re willing to put up with garbage like that, then you deserve what you get, and not much more.
Here’s a real news flash: Relationships are hard enough even with honesty and reliability present and accounted for, much less without them. If someone starts off unreliable, why are they
going to get any better? There are good people out there, believe it or not. Start expecting more and they’ll start showing up. But until they do, draw your line in the sand It's the Little Things That Count
This is the first of a series of articles looking at the 'lighter side' of some of the issues involved in being a single adult in the 90's. While this may chronicle some of my experiences and
perceptions as a single man in his 40s, I have found that all Singles' have someone to say. After all, we single folk are all, in some way, experts on the Single Experience.
We are all members of America's largest population of oppressed people - single adults! Oppressed? Well..... maybe not. Embarrassed, lonely, and forgotten may be a better description.
Certainly we are a large population. Many snippets of data I've collected show that almost 25% of the adult population is, at any one time, unattached'. There is a lot of us out there, although many of us wonder where.
I live in rural New England, which is a family oriented place, where many of us city dwellers and our significant other escaped to, in pursuit of a quieter, safer, more relaxed lifestyle. Now
that many of us are single again, this is a tough place to live because, well, rural New England is a family oriented place. We won't dwell on the issues and displacement that separation, divorce and death has left us with. Those of us who are 'there' or have
been 'there', have experienced many of the losses, and know that there is much more crap here' than we had bargained for.
How many of you were single in the 60's? How many of you are now single in the 90's? Is this a weird Deja-Vu or what? Of the many issues of the single experience, it's often the little things
that get to me. Once in a while I drag myself out for dinner (alone) to a local eatery. As I walk in, the hostess smiles and happily asks, "Table for two?". "No." I respond, "For one". "For ONE?" she responds in
disbelief. At this point, I turn around to see who's behind me, the happy group that has accompanied me here much to my unawares. "No, just one tonight." I say, to assure her that next time I come in, I won't be a social pariah, and will come with
lots of loved ones in tow.
Every now and again, I have even braved the night alone to take in a movie. I mean, I see lots of movies with my beautiful little daughter, but every once in a while, I just have a craving to
see something that ISN'T rated "G". So I drive to the theater (alone) and watch the tens of thousands of happy couples pouring in: the young couples holding hands, still blissfully ignorant of the odds-on-favorite fate that awaits them; the middle
aged couples out for a quick escape from the kids (hey, I remember that); the older couples, God bless them, the golden minority who have weathered the storm, and have actually beaten the odds.
So I sulk into the ticket line, hoping no one will notice me. But then it always happens. A 100,000 watt beacon of light from the heavens above, shoots down and illuminates me, like Wayne
Newton on a Las Vegas stage. And as my hiding spot is bathed in light, I hear that voice. "LEPER, MISCREANT, UNLOVED" - don't you know that OUT' is only for the holy couple? "Skulk back to your cave." it says, "And don't come out again
until you are worthy of having company."
Then there's my absolute favorite. That's when my mother calls to remind me that, no matter how old I am (or how much hair I lose), that she is still my mother. Today she's angry with me. I
need to be taken down a notch, to be reminded of my failures, as it is a mother's job to do. "What is this dating service crap? I think it's time you got a real job, in a real profession, and live up to our expectations and your potential" she says.
And now, for the Coup-de-Gras she adds, "and your EX agrees with me too!!".
Any of this stuff ever happen to you? Let me know. Anyway, I've got to go skulk back to my cave now.
A Call for Help from The Single Experience
Well, I never thought it would happen, but I'm single again. And so are a lot of us out here. But let's not feel sorry for ourselves. After all, there's lots to look forward to. Some of my
more organic married friends have told me , "You are now on an exciting new journey, with all the wonderment of where it will take you." I am?? Others have said "Boy, now you can do anything you want. You have so many wonderful new opportunities
awaiting you!!". I do?? Some of my clueless friend have said "Wow, you lucky guy. Now you can get laid anytime you like!! I can??
As I teeter on the edge of political-incorrectness, I ve got to say this. I had a lot more sex when I was married than I do know. And it wasn't so scary. And I knew what I was getting (and NOT
getting in the wonderful world of AIDS and other punishments for being Single). If there are any married guys out there who think there's more out here' than when you're married, well, don't worry, you probably won't be married for long.
But I digress. Back to the matter at hand. The good stuff awaiting us. We go through our healing process as fast as we can. It shouldn't take too long. After all, we didn't lose that much.
Just our spouse, time with our children, probably a house, often lots of money, always many dreams, old friends, beloved pets, and in my case, a lot of hair. It ain't so bad. We should get over it quickly. And now we are there. We are ready. The future is
ahead. And so (lucky us).... IT'S TIME TO DATE. That's right. This is one of the many new and exciting experiences our friends (and therapists) told us was ahead. WE GET TO DATE AGAIN (oh boy)!
We are now ready to DATE (health clubs, beauty parlors, hair clubs for men, tanning salons, and cosmetic stores - look out, there's lots of new business coming your way). It's time to
play......THE DATING GAME! (Oh boy). After all, there are thousands and thousands of other loving and caring single people out there looking for us. This IS exciting! Gee, where do we start. Well, most of us start with the Personal ads' (did you think you were
the only one). Have you noticed how many ads' have cropped up in the last 5 years? Lots and lots and lots!! (oh boy). CONFESSIONS OF A SINGLE MAN. Yes, this too, is where I started.
At the time of my very first call, I was living in Florida, home of the suntanned, shapely, bikini clad women (oh boy). I mean, I was so excited, I even had a drink (or two) before I called.
With a sweaty palm I reached for the phone, excited about the new possibilities awaiting me, ready to hear the soothing voice of my next love. So, I called. And guess what! After being told by a taped recorded voice that "the charges begin AT THE
TONE", I was given a menu of single women. Imagine, a whole menu. Wow, this is easier than ordering a Big Mac. So I chose the address' of my love-to-be and guess what!! I got another menu! Press 1' to hear from your chosen lady' or press 2' if you want
"tips" on how to leave a successful message. Tips? Successful message? Quick.. Get out your Robert Frost and Shakespeare books.
Anyway, I pressed 1', and guess what !! I got voice mail. And what did she say? The same thing that was written in the personal ad. Hey fantastic, this also serves people who can't read. And
guess what! After the recording was finished, I was asked to leave my own personal' message (oh boy). So, mustering up all the charm and intelligence I could, I said "I've never done this before, and I'm a little nervous, and I don't really know what to
say, but my mother thinks I'm a hell of a guy", and hung up. Gee, I wonder if that made the "tips" menu. Anyway, I haven't heard from her yet, but I'm sure she's still just mulling it over. And the moral of this story: TIME REALLY FLIES AT $1.99
A MINUTE.
Get driven crazy with more trials and tribulations of The Single Experience
Dating is often hard, unrewarding work. It's costly, it's time consuming and it's emotionally draining. There are many scary aspects of dating, one of which is a terrifying experience we can
all relate to. It is one that many of us have had, and maybe even been on both sides of. And just what is that frightening experience? It's hooking up with a loser'.
Now, to discuss this rationally, we have to define what a loser is, which of course, is a relative thing. How many of you have relatives that are losers? Only kidding. Anyway, on a scale of 1
to 100, a loser could be anyone with a lower loser rating' than our own. Therefore, if you are an 87, you are a winner, and anyone who is an 86 or lower could be a loser. If you are a 17, you are a winner, and anyone 16 or lower could be a loser. If you are a
53.... Well, you get the idea. There are really no winners or losers, only people who are more or less appropriate for us.
Another scary thing we have to look forward to is hooking up with someone ugly. Who's ugly? Well, this is a relative thing. How many of you have relatives that are ugly? Anyway, on a scale of
1 to 100, an ugly person could be anyone with a lower ugly rating' than ours. Therefore, if you are an 87, you are beautiful and anyone who is an 86 or lower, could be ugly. If you are a 17, you are beautiful, and anyone 16 or lower.... well, you get the idea.
I've met ugly people before, but it wasn't anything I could see when I first met them.
Anyway, I had an experience which would take anyone down about 70 points on the loser/ugly scale. I met a woman through a personal ad when I was in Florida. We spoke on the phone initially for
over an hour. I had the charm turned up full blast, and she was loving it. At least, enough so that she said I could call her again'. So a week later I called, and once again, we spoke for over an hour. This time I hit her from the intelligence angle.
"Have you read this book on ...", and "did you know that 63 out off 88 people said...", and so forth. This shows the ladies that I can string two cohesive thoughts together. And it's going real good. Just how good? Well, she said I could
call her again'. Call #3, I hit her with the touchy/feely stuff. "You should see my daughter, I really love her" and "people lack commitment these days" and the closer, "why is simple human contact so hard to find?".
Boy, now she's eating out of the palm of my hand. So I move in for the kill. "Well, Michelle, we seem be connecting on many levels here. I think it's time we get together. How about
dinner sometime?" I ask. Her answer: "Welllllllll...." (Long pause). OK, I got it. I quickly re-phrase "how about lunch sometime?". "Welllllll...." I hear her say (long pause ). This hurts. "Well I'd really like to meet
you", says I, "what would you suggest?". And here's where the ugly scale for me drops about 70 points. Says she.... "HOW ABOUT WE MEET FOR 5 MINUTES FOR COFFEE". Wow, over three hours of charm, intelligence and touchy/feely, and all I
get is 5 minutes of coffee.
I guess the reality here is that she didn't want to be trapped with me for the unbelievably lengthy period of a full meal, before determining my loser/ugly quotient. And maybe this is
reasonable, if not altogether demeaning. So, as a service to my readers to help save all of you this kind of embarrassment and humiliation on both sides, I have come up with the solution to this murky problem. It's called the DRIVE-BY date, and here's how it
goes.
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