Relationships

Do You Practice Intellectual Foreplay?  

In the early stages of our courtship, my husband, Steven, and I were involved in a long-distance relationship. We met when I was on vacation on Maui, where he lived. We spent a week enjoying each other’s company and then I returned to California. Although we were three thousand miles apart, our courtship continued, over the telephone. (“It’s the next best thing to being there . . . .”) It soon became evident that in order for us to be together, one of us would have to move. Neither of us wanted to make that kind of commitment unless we were pretty sure we were making the right choice, so we started asking each other questions. After coming up with questions several nights in a row, Steven let me know that it was now my turn to ask him questions. Somewhat jokingly, we agreed my “turn to ask” would be the next evening’s phone call.

Thus it began. Suddenly, I realized I wasn’t sure what I truly needed to know. While considering the upcoming phone call, I casually asked everyone I knew, “What should you ask someone before you get seriously involved?” To my surprise, everyone had an answer! Before long I had a lengthy list of questions—written on napkins, the back of receipts, anything available. The questions ranged from bathroom habits to deep spiritual philosophies to practical lifestyle inquiries. Finding the variety of questions fascinating, I kept asking, and the list kept growing. Unknowingly, we had begun the compilation of this book. Putting the list of questions to the test, we took it to the telephone and explored the myriad of topics together, adding to it nightly.

In essence, we engaged in Intellectual Foreplay in our relationship, which led to my moving to Maui and marrying Steven. It was then that it occurred to us that other people might need assistance in that “getting-to-know-each-other” stage, too. Since Steven owns a scuba-diving company on Maui, he continued to gather questions by interviewing his customers each day on the boat, while I added some valuable concepts for raising self-esteem and developing healthy relationships to the text. Soon, our friends started asking for copies of the “book” to use with their dates.

What Is Intellectual Foreplay?

“Foreplay” literally means “the play that comes first,” the play that you engage in before you go the distance together. We generally think of this in physical terms: foreplay builds intrigue, excitement, and desire—creating readiness—before sex. Foreplay is time well spent, because it makes the whole experience more satisfying. Intellectual Foreplay offers a variation on this idea: it is the stimulation and interest that is created between two people when they communicate effectively. Intellectual Foreplay means taking the time to discuss important questions with a prospective partner and to discover compatibility before you “go the distance” and make a commitment to a relationship. Just like its physical counterpart, Intellectual Foreplay can build excitement and desire—or quickly reveal a lack of compatibility, saving you months, or even years, of developing a relationship that isn’t going to work.

Intellectual Foreplay asks you to use your head and your heart before sharing your body and your life. We are all aware of the immediate power of physical attraction and its ability to vanish once we get to know someone better or to linger long after any traces of a healthy relationship remain. The compatibility that is developed through truly knowing someone before getting seriously involved can increase attraction and facilitate the longevity and quality of the union. This well-spent time can simply make your relationship better, stronger, and more satisfying.

By learning all you can about your partner, discussing issues before they become problems, revealing unexpressed agreements and assumptions, and looking deeply at what matters to you, your chances of making the right choice of partner will greatly increase. You cannot be a victim of ignorance when you go into a relationship conscious, knowing your choices. Intellectual Foreplay will also help you to make choices within the relationship that will keep love alive, helping you to avoid the painful experience of breaking up.

One of the biggest mistakes we make at the beginning of a relationship is not asking enough questions. When taking on any other endeavor—a business relationship, buying a house, buying appliances—we wisely ask a whole host of questions to ensure that we make the right choice. Can you imagine buying a house because it looks good and feels good without examining the costs, the condition of the property, serious damage, needed repairs, your readiness to move, your commitment to the payments, the previous owner’s readiness to sell, what the neighbors are like, and on and on? Yet that is exactly what we do in relationships. We base our choices solely on physical attraction and emotional desire, and then can’t understand why our relationships don’t work. Intellectual Foreplay is a tool for getting to know yourself and your partner in a deep and practical way, thus enabling you to make healthy, educated decisions.

FOURplay

The central idea of Intellectual Foreplay is the practice of FOURplay—getting to know each other 1) intellectually, 2) emotionally, 3) spiritually, and 4) physically before making the commitment to serious involvement. Granted, if you think too much about your relationship, you may never get married. However, if you think too little, you’ll surely get divorced.

We are all pretty familiar with the standard questions that are usually asked when two people meet: “What’s your name?” which is usually followed quickly by, “What do you do?” or “Do you live around here?” And, if we are wise, we try to find out early on whether someone is married or has a partner or a house full of kids. Usually we inquire about these things indirectly, with a question such as, “Do you live alone?” While these are excellent places to start, this is the point where most people stop asking and just start dating. As you’ll discover in this book, there is a lot more you can discover about someone (and yourself) by asking more questions!

Getting the Most Out of This Book

As you look through Intellectual Foreplay, you’ll find that the book is divided into eight major sections. Part One, “Using Your Head and Your Heart,” discusses the nuts and bolts of Intellectual Foreplay and shows you how to get the most out of this process. Here you will learn how to approach Intellectual Foreplay with a partner, what to do with the answers you receive, and how to make it fun for both of you! It is very important that you read Part One before jumping into the sections that list questions. The tools provided in Part One will make handling the information in the rest of the book much easier and the process much more meaningful, rather than just entertaining.

Parts Two through Six are where you will find the questions to explore with a partner. They have been organized into useful categories that explore different aspect of your partner’s (and your own) life and character. These categories, or chapters, are further organized around broader questions: Who are you, where did you come from, where are you going, can we live together, and where are we going?

These questions, and the order of the chapters in the book, are meant to serve as guidelines for you; there is no need to proceed rigidly through the sequence of questions in the order they’re presented here. Choose the sequence that best fits your and your partner’s comfort level with the topics and the extent to which your relationship has already developed. But one word of warning: we suggest that you avoid exploring the sex chapter (which falls at the end of the book) with a potential partner until you have read the rest of the book, or, at the very least, Part One. Think of the rest of the book as foreplay—it will make the sex chapter (and your relationship) better if you go though the book first!

Part Seven, “Can We Evolve Together?” contains the concluding chapters, “Questions to Ask Yourself” and “Bringing Out the Elation in rELATIONships.” These chapters will guide you through the process of getting clear about whether you and your partner should be together, and if so, maintaining peace within your relationship and keeping your love alive. Elation, or joy, is an important component of healthy relationships, and it is yours for the creating.

In addition to many questions for exploring a relationship with your partner, Intellectual Foreplay offers guidelines for evaluating your own and your partner ’ s responses. Whether you ’ re on a first date, are deciding whether to take the next step, or are already committed to a relationship, Intellectual Foreplay is a fun — and useful — tool for discovery. As you encounter your next potential partner, be sure to ask, “ Do you practice Intellectual Foreplay? ” as a prerequisite to the date!

Intellectual Foreplay is available in bookstores or by calling Hunter House Publishers, 1-800-266-5592.  You can also visit HunterHouse.com or author Eve Hogan's Web Site, HeartPath.net.

HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK
A Marital Selection Training Program  

Over the past ten years, I have become deeply commited to helping singles and singles-again in their dating and marital preparation. In fact, I believe I have developed the first mate selection training program. I have fondly titled it, How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk. Although there are numerous premarital programs and assessment procedures, they are geared to help couples improve their relationship prior to marriage. What has been missing is a focus on single adults and their needs.

 Two of the most common remarks I have heard when counseling someone dismayed with a relationship are:

 "If only I knew then what I know now..."

and

"I saw it when dating, but I just overlooked it..."

 These two regretful reflections reveal the most common problems which handicap marital choice. The first remark indicates that too many people do not know what to look for in order to shape an accurate profile of the person they are dating. After searching through hundreds of self-help books and thousands of pages of research, I found that the numerous characteristics which predict what a person will be like in marriage can fit into five categories. These key areas are:

1. the dynamics of their childhood and family experiences
2. the maturity of their conscience
3. the scope of their compatibility potential
4. the strength of their relationship skills
5. the patterns of their previous relationships

The second reflective confession, "I just overlooked it..." raises the question, Just why is love blind?  The source of this unhealthy "blind love" is overattachment. Even when you know what to look for in the dating process, you can still be blindsided when you allow your attachment to become too strong, too soon. There are definite bonding forces which form the glue of your attachment. When these forces are not kept in balance, then your attachment can easily over-ride your judgment... so, even though you know you should slow down...or even get out, you just can’t.

I’ll never forget my counseling sessions with Mary (not her real name). She was a bright, attractive woman who was "in love" with the man of her dreams (or, more accurately, her nightmares). They had been seeing each other for three years. Although she would complain that he was overly controlling, jealous, possessive and temperamental, she just could not pull away from this magnetic attachment to him. It was as if her heart was disconnected from her mind...and her heart ruled.

When we talked about his family background, she could describe the unresolved problems which easily explained why he was this way. Yet, she would swear that she loved him and was going to marry him.

I have seen this scenario and heard this story countless times. What makes the attachment so strong that it becomes self-defeating and unhealthy?

In general, it is the imbalance of the bonding forces. Specifically, for Mary, it was the exaggerated needs she had for being loved and possessed which drove her to overly rely on her boyfriend for feeling secure and safe. Mary had a father which was very nonaffectionate and distant. As a result, she developed a craving for being "lovingly possessed." However, this unmet need attracted a guy who had an equally unhealthy need to control. The match produced a strange, extreme bond in which Mary’s reliance on her boyfriend was like an addiction.

There are five bonding forces create the feeling of closeness in every romantic relationship. The first bonding force is what you know about the person you are dating ( Knowledge ). You grow to know a person better by exploring the five key areas mentioned above. As you gather pieces of understanding about the person you care for, you arrange them to create a portrait of what you believe this person is like. This mental portrait is your Trust or your internal picture of the other person.  Based on your level of trust, you form a Dependency or reliance upon this person to meet more and more of your needs (it was this bonding force which Mary did not keep in balance with what she actually knew about her boyfriend). This growing dependency produces a deepening Commitment or definition of the relationship. The Sexual expression, or the boundaries and extent of physical involvement, grow out of the increasing intimacy and closeness.

These five bonding forces have a hierarchical order and interrelational balance. Although this may sound confusing, it really is quite simple. Each force can be pictured as levels or rheostats. The level of the first adhesive force, knowledge, sets the highest appropriate level for the next, and so on.  Therefore, what you know about the person you care for should set your highest level for trust; which should set the appropriate ceiling for your dependency or reliance upon this person; your commitment should not exceed your reliance; and your sexual involvement should not exceed your commitment.  This is the one, major rule to follow with these bonding forces.

  NEVER ALLOW THE LEVEL OR INTENSITY OF A BONDING FORCE TO EXCEED THE LEVEL OF THE PREVIOUS

When these boundaries are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy and masks critical characteristics of the other person that should be more closely looked at and explored. The imbalance between what Mary knew about her boyfriend and the degree of her dependency upon him explains why she was overly attached. Any imbalance between these adhesive forces can produce the love is blind attachment-syndrome.

 When your mind knows what to look for, and your heart knows how to keep the boundaries and balances in your growing attachment, then you will be in the best position to make a marital choice which you will not look back on with regret. This comprehensive and enjoyable, five-hour live video mate-selection training program will teach you how to follow your heart without losing your mind.

Then, and only then, will you know ...How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk.

Is Not Knowing And Using This Simple Concept Sabotaging Your Relationships And Destroying Your Happiness?  

One of the biggest traps I've seen people who are unsuccessful in relationships fall into is they believe there are only two kinds of people Givers and Takers. As a result, they usually end up being used.

In the Giver/Taker mindset, Givers always end up with Takers and Takers always end up with Givers.  The reason is simple A Giver can't take because then, by definition, he or she is no longer a Giver.  And a Taker can't give because then, by definition, he or she is no longer a Taker.

Takers are selfish, Givers are unselfish. It's a great arrangement... for the Taker. Buy very abusive for the Giver.

Eventually, after years of abuse and pain, the Giver leaves, while the Taker blames everything on the Giver. The Giver then spends an indefinite period asking him or herself some version of "What did I do wrong? How could I have make it work? If only I'd done 'X' (been more patient, more understanding, more supportive, etc.) it would have worked out."

I know, because I used to be a Giver. I went from one Taker to the next, getting abused over and over.

Then one day I had the good fortune of meeting a woman who was very successful with men.

I asked her how she commanded a man's respect, and kept it, hoping I could learn something that would help me out of my emotionally abused rut to use with the next woman I got involved with. 

She said, "Bryan, it's really simple. Every one in abusive relationships thinks there's only two groups of people Givers and Takers. But there's a third group. And once you know, understand and 'get' the third group on a gut level, it all starts to fall into place and your relationships start to work out. The third group is Sharers. Sharers know in their mind, their heart and their soul they deserve to receive as well as give. Sharers know, over the long run, the relationship will balance out to be 50/50 give and take. Sharers have a healthy self respect and they expect their partner to treat them with respect, the same respect they give their partner. When they don't, a Sharer leaves."

"Were you ever in an abusive relationship?" I asked.

"Sure. I was married to an alcoholic who blamed me for every problem he had. Then one day someone explained the concept of Givers, Takers and Sharers to me. It hit me hard, but I finally 'got it.' I went to my abusive husband of five years and told him I was leaving. He said, 'I'm trying. You just don't understand.' I said, 'You're wrong. I DO understand. And that's why I'm leaving. I deserve better than you.' And I left."

I hope you don't fall into the trap of being a Giver or a Taker. Think about the concept of being a Sharer, become one, and start enjoying relationships the way your deserve to.  

Don't Give Up... Control!

Was visiting an old friend recently who got married last year to the man of her dreams. I’d never heard the story of how they met, so she shared the tale. It was at a car wash. A classic beginning to a classic romance. She’s with a male buddy. Just rolled out of bed, no make-up, looking like hell. Naturally. Perfect so far. She and her friend are playing the “Match The Car With The Owner” Game. They miss every time. Interesting, isn’t it. We spend our life jumping to conclusions, and though most of them end up being wrong, do we learn? Yeah, right. Anyway, they chat. She finds out he’s an elementary school teacher at XYZ Elementary. How special is that? Is this guy great or what? He drives away in his white Camaro, and they haven’t even exchanged names or phone numbers. Something about him, she says, makes her go by his school the next week, and leave a card on the windshield of his white Camaro. Don’t you love it? Just meant to be.

He calls. They talk. It goes terribly. They hang up. Oh well. She forgets about him. Until a few weeks later, she’s at church, dressed to the nines. Guess who walks in with a lady friend on his arm? Apparently, fate just won’t be denied. He sits two seats away, and doesn’t recognize her at all, since she’d cleaned up real real good. He said later that he’d looked at her, thought she was stunning, that he’d have loved to meet her, but did the “she’s-out-of-my-league” number on himself. She decides to call - one more time, though she has no idea why. “Something told me to,” she recalls. I mean, everything is lining up cosmically here. This time something clicks. They agree to meet. Everything goes swimmingly, and the rest is history. Sometimes, things just work out. It’s in the stars, right? Well…

I confess. I’ve been messin’ with you. To the best of her recollection, it was three months after their wedding day when he kissed her for the last time. Not to mention anything else. And you think you know someone. Go figure. Six months later, she filed for divorce. Another three months and here we are. She’s really OK talking about it; we even watched her wedding video. She chatters and giggles over funny outfits and candid little expressions, while everyone else gets choked up and weepy. Listening to her story left me wryly amused, specifically about how different that story would sound, be heard, and be interpreted two weeks after the honeymoon vs. 90 days after the divorce. In the former rendition, the account would follow fairly closely to the above - full of serendipity, fortuitous happenings and mystical inevitability. In contrast, the second version would be chock-full of “I should have seen the sign”-isms, “I know something was off”-ities, and “Looking back now...”s.

While sadly, there’s nothing uniquely tragic about this story, it made me realize how much in the ether we are when it comes to love. We’ll see visions, fate and kismet in events that reflect little more than our own hopes, desires, and aspirations hitched to an overactive imagination. We look for - no scratch that, we create - evidence to support our vision of a magical divinely slated union. And actually, in retrospect, in the case of my friend, she wanted something badly enough that she simply ignored signs, didn’t ask enough questions, and frankly, picked very very poorly. I’m not slamming her, since this guy was clearly very well-defended and was a master persuader. And sadly, it wasn’t premeditated malicious behavior on his part - though it ended up pretty nasty by the end - as much as an eventually unsuccessful struggle to exorcise his own demons.

We stay attached to silly notions of “the one perfect person,” “It’ll just happen when the time is right,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “There are no accidents,” blah, blah, blah. And while I do tend to believe that things do happen for a reason, the reasons we think things are happening are usually more a reflection of our “whine du jour” than any part of grander plan of spiritual development.

We all want to enjoy something wonderfully rich and special with another human being. That’s just human. What gets us in trouble is when we abdicate responsibility for making it happen and instead “turn it over to the fates.” Few thinking human beings will turn over the reins completely, but it’s quite fascinating, amusing and not just a little bit troubling to think of how much we actually do hand over to forces we readily admit are beyond our control. And this from human beings - the undisputed control freaks of the animal kingdom. Amazing. In no other arena of our lives are we anywhere near as willing to let things “just happen.” Professionally speaking, imagine operating out of a belief that high achievement in a career was somehow a function not of hard work, perseverance, and a commitment to leaving no stone unturned in our quest for excellence, but rather of simply believing that promotions will “just happen” when the time is right. And furthermore, that it is our very birthright to expect magically fulfilling careers that just drop themselves into our laps naturally with only a modicum of effort on our parts.

Share that with your colleagues - or better yet, your boss - around the water cooler or in the next Monday morning meeting, and see how receptive they are. If you don’t get your walking papers, you’re liable to get the phone numbers of a few good shrinks pressed into your hand along with some sympathetic glances. The very notion is ludicrous. So how then, did we get to the point where we actually believe that success in THE most important area of our lives is just as tied in with the roll of the cosmic dice than with any personal effort?

Theory Time. We’re stuck in the memory of a mirage - the “good” and “easy” relationships and marriages of our parents and grandparents. Only they weren’t always so good or so easy. People simply had fewer options. If a marriage turned bad or abusive, women had few places to go and no money to go there. Men stayed where they were and dutifully fulfilled their “provider” role. And despite the monumental changes that have rocked the world of males and female interactions - primarily the dramatically enhanced financial power of women and all its consequent ramifications - we’re expecting the same ease that existed before.

But we no longer have the in-built structure of financial dependency of the past to offer its inherent stability (or lack of mobility, if you prefer). Don’t get me wrong. Building the prosperous society that we have would have been a lot more difficult without the solid structure of a stable family unit. So that was a good thing. Point is, for better or worse, we’re having to throw away the crutches and face each other on a much more equal plane than ever before. Staying together will be much more a function of our own efforts, intelligence and resourcefulness, than some default structure that compels us to stay put, despite the problems.

I’m continually amazed at how upset people get when a relationship goes sour and ends prematurely. Sure, we want all want our romantic lives to be special. Nothing wrong with that. But thanks to hugely changing and confusing gender roles and expectations, the hassles of dating, the fear of AIDS (which for most of us is a paper tiger if there ever was one), many of us are just poking at romance.

Armed with arguably the highest expectations for a mate our civilization has ever known - as well as unprecedented financial freedom allowing even more choosiness - we take a couple of half-hearted stabs, date the few people who cross our paths and when it doesn’t work out, we lament that it shouldn’t be this hard. Why? Where did we ever get the idea that crafting a successful long-term relationship in today’s very different world would be easy? Oh sure, on the surface, we’ll acknowledge that the perfect match will take effort, energy, etc. But, on some level, we still believe it’ll just happen and more importantly, that it should just happen. Despite the fact, that everywhere we look, the lion’s share of relationships and marriages don’t survive the long haul.

Think about it. How many successful relationships/marriages do you know of? I’m talking about the ones you look at and say, “I want one just like that.” Don’t tell me. I already know. How many relationships have you come across that appeared to be hunky-dory, only to discover that they were putting on an Oscar winning performance for the world?

We need to start viewing successful relationships like we would a successful career: a real challenge, something that very few people create in their lives, but at the same time something so worth having. Viewed from that perspective, what would you do differently? Notice I didn’t ask, “What would you be excited about doing differently?” You don’t have to like it. But if you want a killer relationship, you do have to do it. Contrary to what the advertising community and our overall popular culture would have us believe, not everything in life is, should be, or always has to be fun - or comfortable - in order for us to do it. If it’s something that’ll lead us to what we say we want, that is. And if you don’t believe me, ask the people who’ve succeeded grandly in life, business, and romance the extent to which the actions that got them there were dictated by how “fun” or “comfortable” they were. You have more control over your life than you may think. That’s the good news. The bad news is you may have to stop blaming externals for where you are…or aren’t.

But, look on the bright side. We’ve got lots of company. And who knows? Along the way, we may even have a little fun.  

What's Really Going On Here?
Want to figure him or her out? Try looking in the mirror...

I’ve got a friend who’s dating a woman he really digs (or maybe it’s me...who knows?) and vice versa. Both around 35, never been married. Think they might have a few issues around the whole relationship thing? Nah...

As much as they like one another, there exists that “early relationship” delicate balance between them. If one or the other were to assume that they were closer than they really were, began calling everyday, and generally being a lot more visible and enthusiastic, it might just push the other away. And some might say, “Ridiculous! If that’s all it takes to spook them, then it’s probably not right anyway.” Well, maybe yes and maybe no. Romance is a dance. Gotta know when to push and when to pull back. Nothing unfortunate, sad, or crummy about that. It’s just what is. If they’re perceptive and give each other the right amount of space, chances are things’ll go well. If they push their own agenda, who knows?

By the time most of us start playing the romance game, we’re like a walking baggage rack - suitcases full of dashed expectations, overnighters bursting with lost loves, garment bags heavy with childhood programming, which long ago fixed our perspectives. Perspectives about who we are, how lovable we are, what we deserve, what kind of world we live in, and what we can expect from those around us.

Then we enter into relationships, each dragging these “truths” about life behind us, and then we actually wonder - this is the amazing part - why it’s so difficult to really make something last. What’s probably more amazing is how many actually do survive in the long haul. Unless we’ve done some serious “inner work,” many of these beliefs stay hidden from us, though always poised and ready to trip us up when things start getting a little cozy. What we don’t know really can hurt us.

Many will try and oversimplify the issue by saying, “I just hate playing games,” “Why can’t people just be honest?” and “Why does this have to be so difficult?” OK, let’s be honest. Aren’t they really lamenting the fact that exactly what they want isn’t being dropped into their lap in a nice tidy package? “Playing games” is part of the game.

And since we’re getting candid here, let’s go all the way. Isn’t a lot of what we call “playing games” simply our own insecurities, hopes, and fears about what’s happening, what’s not happening, what we’d like to happen or what happened before? Ditto for honesty. Sure, there’s people who knowingly lie about who they are and what they want - I know, you’ve dated them all - but let’s get real. Most of us don’t know what to do with honesty. Or we freak out if it’s not what we wanted to hear. We sure expect it from others, but will usually spare them the same courtesy because “we don’t want to hurt their feelings.” And then wonder why we get so little of it. Hello?

Then there’s “kamikaze” honesty. A woman friend just ended a relationship with this guy, clearly irritated that he couldn’t handle the intimacy, needed his space, etc. Three months into it, however, she’d made it crystal clear that she wanted to move in with him, and the sooner, the better. And he goes south. Fast. Big surprise. Her post-mortem?: “I don’t have time to waste with men who don’t know what they want.” Ooooookaaaaay. That’s one way to look at it. But, isn’t that point of view basically about what she wanted and very little about him? Quite a blind spot, you may say. True. But, what might ours be?

And as to why it has to be so difficult, well, that’s usually a question of perspective. Are you making it more difficult than it really is? Does your life have to be one big soap opera in order to really feel alive? Are you a “drama king” or “queen”? If so, that’s fine. Just don’t act like the world truly is as you report it to be.

Maybe we need to start taking a little more responsibility - frightening thought, I know - for our feelings, our agenda, our communication, in short, what we’re bringing to the table. Given that in most relationships, one person is more enamored than the other, when we’re “liked-more-than-we-like,” who amongst us can truthfully say we’ve never “played games” or acted in a way that could be considered not totally honest? Not maliciously, of course, but when the shoe’s switched - “like-more-than-we’re-liked” - it sure looks that way. Are we nearly so tough on ourselves when we do it as we are on those who give us a taste of the same medicine? And hey, I’m just as guilty of all this as anyone else, but at least now, I’m a little easier on others when it happens to me.

Bottom line? Do we care enough to step outside of ourselves and discover what the other person might need, instead of only what serves us? If my buddy and his new friend value each other enough, they’ll walk a mile in the other’s moccasins. They can’t be completely selfless, since they’ve got their own needs, but looking out the other should bring it back to them. Amazing how that works.  

Commitment Phobia
The Rest of the the Story

Commitment. The Big C . Scary stuff. OK, I'm 38, Never Been Married. Go on, decide whatever it is you're going to decide about that. You done? Great. My story? I haven't found the right person. And, yes, I've got my issues too. I'll spare you the therapy log.

Like most men, I've been slammed all too often with that all-purpose moniker: "Commitment-Phobic." And it occurred to me that if it's a big enough "problem" to be on the lips and minds of many, not to mention the topic of numerous books and articles, perhaps there was a better explanation for it besides just "one of men's many failings."

Dr. Warren Farrell, best-selling author of "Why Men Are They Way They Are," and "The Myth of Male Power" - and hero to the gun-shy - has delved into this one, big time. As he sees it, men's primary fantasy is simply, to be with a variety of women. Take your own straw poll. (Tip: Ask honest men. Secure men. Beware of sneaky "liberated" men out to score brownie points.) Women's primary fantasy is marriage and security with one man. Their secondary fantasy is that the "one man" is the man of their dreams. But for many, it remains secondary. They'll sacrifice it for the primary.

If you accept these premises, then by definition, marriage fulfills one sex's fantasy while requiring the other to give theirs up. But men will do it, if they know they'll get true love in return (these days, chances are, it's not your Suzy Homemaker side that has him ready to tie the knot). Problem is, if many women are marrying for the security... Sure, you love him, but is it because he makes your fantasy come true or because of who he is? In a survey Farrell conducted with 600 couples, only 11% could respond with an unhesitating yes to, "Do you love your spouse?" Thus, in nearly 90% of those marriages, while the man's gamble failed, the woman's fantasy, on key levels, remained intact.

I read stuff like this and I talk to a lot of the married, and I get scared. Married men say, "Stay single as long as you can." I want to believe mine will be different, but the great marriages I know stand out as exceptions. I want to believe that I'll be immune from all the plagues of marriage: routine, diverging paths, boredom, diminishing interest in sex, increased preoccupation with lawn care, etc. Can I beat the odds? I'm not sure. And maybe these aren't good enough reasons to avoid it.

Ran into an old friend recently, whom I hadn't seen for probably 6 months. Last I heard, he was engaged, and just as I got the words out to that effect, he quickly replied, "It's history." "What made you call it off?" I asked (adding mentally, “...given how enormously successful marriages tend to be, statistically speaking”). It was painful to watch him get the words out. He'd obviously been giving himself a daily beating over the whole thing. Screwing up his face and cringing, as if he expected me to hit him as well, he mumbled, "I couldn't commit."

When pressed, he couldn't put his finger on the source of his unease. He just knew he wasn't ready to jump. Feeling pretty lousy already, when she offered her thoughts on the "obvious" reason (ie. "you’re just commitment-phobic”), he was only too willing to take the heat, when perhaps a little more trust in himself and his instincts would've been appropriate.

So, why couldn't he jump? Weird vibes, perhaps ("Male intuition" - an up-and-coming sport). Maybe she's arrived at that point where she's decided it's time to get married and start a family, and he fits the criteria. Could be she's more in love with the idea than the man. Don't tell me it doesn't happen. It happens all the time. And maybe he senses that. Bottom line, he's walking around, feeling flawed and inadequate, because he bought into the conventional wisdom of "what his problem is." Not fair. Especially if that's what he takes into his next relationship.

What I find very interesting is a spate of recent articles about women "marrying down"; making a conscious decision to marry men who earn less than they do. The fact that it's being touted as a "new trend" reveals women's traditional motivation for marrying: financial security. I think it's fabulous. The message it sends to men is "I love you for you", and not for what you provide me.

A prominent Atlanta matchmaker recently ran an ad with the huge headline, "HE'S GORGEOUS, 40, RICH AND SINGLE." The much smaller body copy continued, in essence, "He's also a very nice person who wants to get married." But, hey, first things first. Now, Ms. BG is either hopelessly out of touch with her market...or she's not.

Farrell also has another theory. And ladies, ooo, you're just gonna hate this one. He feels that much of the anger women feel for men these days stems from the fact that men can't be counted on, like they once could, to line up to get married, when the woman is ready to. Interesting. My opinion on it? Sorry. No hablo ingles.

Oh, by the way, three months after my friend's breakup, she was engaged again. And a year after that, it’s on the rocks. Whatever.