Sex and the Single Person

One of the myths in our society is that the difference between men and women is that men want sex more. The fact of the matter is that women want sex and enjoy sex just as much as men. So what's the difference between the sexes?

The difference is that men want sex today. And that's where the conflict arises. As a general rule women want emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. They don't feel comfortable sleeping with a man they hardly know. Men tend to be the opposite. They've been conditioned by our society to seek sex immediately and with as many different partners as possible, regardless of how emotionally close or distant they may be.

Of course these ideas are generalizations. There are many men who feel uncomfortable with casual sex, just as there are many women who love it. But as a general rule men want sex earlier in a relationship than women do.

The result is what I call the natural incompatibility of the sexes. Men and women are in a constant struggle whereby the men try to seduce every woman they find attractive while the women fight to maintain their "virtue". The result is a great deal of frustration and bitterness. And the death of many a promising relationship.

Both men and women often find themselves in uncomfortable positions regarding sex. The man often wants to sleep with a woman but is afraid of making a move for fear that she will be insulted or angered. The woman wants to postpone sexual intimacy until after emotional closeness, but she's afraid to say no for fear that the man will lose interest and move on to another woman who says yes.

And so both walk a tightrope between asserting their needs and acceding to those of their partners. Often neither feels very good about it all.

In order to get along with the opposite sex it is important to understand them. Below is information about the opposite sex together with suggestions on how to get along.

WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

Are you often puzzled by women's sexual behavior? For example, you meet a woman at a party. While slow dancing she rubs your hand and appears to be very comfortable in your tight embrace. Later in the evening she invites you into her home for some coffee. She responds positively to touching and hugging and kissing. But just as you try to escalate physical intimacy, all of a sudden she pulls back and says "not tonight". What's going on here? Why do women appear to be ready for sex and suddenly "chicken out"? There are many reasons:

1. She sees sex as inextricably entwined with love. Since she doesn't love you, she doesn't feel comfortable having sex with you.
2. She is afraid that if she has sex with you early in a relationship that you'll think she's "cheap" and promiscuous and therefore drop her.
3. She's afraid of pregnancy or disease.
4. She is having her menstrual period.
5. She finds that when she engages in casual sex she usually feels empty or ashamed the next morning. In other words, she enjoys the casual sex as it happens but regrets it the next morning.

Whatever the reason, the fact is that most women don't want to engage in casual sex. They want to get to know you first. How do you deal with this? One way is to be patient and wait for when she's ready for more physical intimacy. Another option is to try to persuade her to become more intimate with you sexually, but respect her right to say no.

What if you get tired of waiting? At some point you might frankly tell her, in a non-demanding tone of voice that you aren't getting your needs met in the relationship. At that point she has the choice of compromising with you or sticking to her guns. If she isn't willing to compromise then you have a choice. You can continue the relationship or move on to greener pastures.

WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN

How could a man want to sleep with a complete stranger? Wouldn't he feel uncomfortable? Wouldn't he feel empty? Why doesn't he go slow, get to know a woman, and then move on to sexual contact? These are questions that boggle most women's minds.

The answer is that men have been conditioned to sleep with every attractive woman they meet. They are taught that they are more masculine and have greater value if they sleep with many women. The old "notch in the belt" analogy that women hate so much is sadly appropriate in many cases. Some men do indeed count their "conquests". They achieve self-esteem by seducing women.

The other thing you need to know about men is that often they find it very difficult to achieve emotional intimacy. Men are taught to hide their feelings. It's difficult for them to open up and share their inner selves. Most men seek intimacy but are frightened by emotions. Therefore they attempt to gain the intimacy they need in what to them is a safer means--through sex.

Whatever the reason, the fact is that often a man will try to seduce you. He will use all kinds of tricks to try to accomplish this objective:

1. He will play caveman and attempt to physically overwhelm your defenses.
2. He will try to get you drunk. He knows that this greatly increases his chances of seducing you.
3. He will lie to you and tell you that he loves you. Some women are dumb enough to fall for that kind of line.
4. He will accuse you of hating sex or being frigid.
5. He will threaten to drop you if you don't have sex with him.

How do you handle all this? There are several options. One is to hate men and dismiss them as insensitive, selfish brutes. Many women choose this course. They become quite bitter about men and often refuse to date. This is obviously a foolish choice.

A second option is give in. This is also a foolish strategy if you're going to regret it the next morning.

A third option is to insist that he respect your needs. If he is unwilling to do so, he's probably not the man for you. Find one who is.

The important thing is to accept the facts of life. Many men like to seduce women. You don't have to like it. Just accept it and learn to deal with it.

How do you avoid having casual sex?

1. Don't drink. The more alcohol you consume the less resistance you will have to his sexual advances.
2. Don't invite him into your home after a date. Most men will interpret your invitation to come in for a cup of coffee or a drink as a invitation to have sex as well.
3. Let him know that you don't want to have sex with him tonight.
4. Don't hug and kiss all night long and then think you can cut him off anytime you please without suffering certain negative consequences. Some men will either attempt to physically overpower you or get angry that you are a "tease".

SEXUAL MORALITY

All your life people have been telling you how you should behave sexually. Parents, siblings, teachers, clergymen, friends, and potential romantic partners all have advice on what is best for you. I don't choose to join these unsolicited counselors. Instead my suggestion is that you think things through yourself and develop a moral system that works for you.

How do you go about doing this? The first step is to throw out all the conditioning from the past. That's not easy to do, but the key is to realize that the advice you have been getting from others is hopelessly contradictory. One person advises you to avoid all sexual contact outside marriage. The next person suggests that you "loosen up" and enjoy yourself. You can't follow everyone's advice, so why not chuck it all and start from scratch?

What sexual code will make you happy? That's the place to start. Consider your physical and emotional needs. Develop a moral code that you can live with. Otherwise you're going to violate it anyway and wind up feeling guilty. Better to be realistic and develope a code of conduct that works for you.

What about your moral responsibility to others? It would be great if what made you happy also made others happy. Unfortunately that's not always true. Occasionally you will be faced with sexual dilemmas. Do you make yourself happy or someone else happy? That's for you to decide.

A.I.D.S.

Once upon a time sexual promiscuity was the "in thing to do" in the american singles scene. That's no longer true. First there was herpes. Now there's Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS). Estimates are that most if not all people who carry the virus will eventually die from it.

Before you panic, however, it's important to realize some important facts. First, AIDS is extremely difficult to catch. You have to go out of your way to get it. You cannot be infected through normal, everyday contact. Second, the vast majority of cases have been limited to a few high-risk groups: homosexual and bisexual men; intravenous drug users; hemophiliacs. Finally, AIDS is easily prevented. Here's how to do it:

1. Avoid sexual contact with the high risk groups listed above.
2. Don't be promiscuous. The more people you sleep with the greater the likelihood that you will catch AIDS. One of the reasons that so many members of the gay community became infected is because they tended to be far more promiscuous than heterosexuals.
3. Avoid sexual contact with promiscuous people (for the reasons given above).
4. Avoid anal intercourse.
5. Use a condom with new sexual partners or partners who may be promiscuous.

Of course the surest way to avoid AIDS is to refrain from sex altogether. After all, you can never be 100% certain that even a spouse isn't secretly consorting with someone who has AIDS. Obviously this is carrying things to an extreme. There's a difference between being reasonably cautious and being paranoid. Only a tiny percentage of the heterosexual population of the United States is carrying the AIDS virus. If you follow the suggestions above the chances of catching AIDS are minuscule.

Even if you fail to follow the recommended precautions, a study at the University of California at San Francisco concluded that there is only one chance in five million that you will catch AIDS if you have sexual intercourse with someone who does not belong to a high risk group. This "is about the same as the risk of being killed in a traffic accident while driving 10 miles to that encounter." (San Francisco Chronicle, April 22, 1988, p. A2.)

Remember that life involves a certain amount of risk. Every time you get on the highway you are risking being crippled or killed. That doesn't mean you stay off the freeway. It just means that you have to be careful. So too with AIDS. Don't let fear dominate your life to the point that you don't get your needs met for physical intimacy.

HERPES

Before the AIDS epidemic herpes was the main cause of paranoia in the singles community. Today many singles are still scared to death of herpes. Which is quite foolish. The facts about herpes are as follows:

1. Many people with herpes never have a recurrence. In other words, it was an unpleasant one-time illness. They won't ever infect anyone.
2. Those who do have recurrences usually have them infrequently (a few times a year at most). The chances of infecting someone are small.
3. The vast majority of herpes attacks are mild (ranging from itching to flu symptoms.

In view of these three facts, isn't it amazing how frightened people are of herpes? People don't dread catching the flu. So why are they so afraid of herpes? The main reason is that it is a sexually transmitted illness. In our society anything dealing with sex becomes magnified. That's because here in America we have an unhealthy attitude about sex. If we regarded it as other physical functions like eating and sleeping, there wouldn't be any emotional charge associated with sexually transmitted illnesses.

What should you do if you are infected with herpes at one time or another?

1. Don't be ashamed. You don't feel guilty when you catch the flu. Why should you feel any differently about herpes?
2. Accept the moral responsibility to avoid infecting others. That involves examining yourself frequently and avoiding sex when it appears that you are experiencing a flare-up.

Of course the big moral dilemma is "Should I tell a new romantic partner that I have had herpes?" That's a tough one. There's no right or wrong answer. Some people will be very grateful that you told them. Their esteem for you will increase because you were honest. Others may reject you, however, if they find out you have had herpes. In the worst case, they may share your secret with other people.

In weighing this decision it might be wise to try to calculate the chances that you might inadvertently transmit herpes to someone new. If the chances of transmitting the illness are slim, you may decide to keep your past experience to yourself and just be very careful.

On the other hand, if you have frequent recurrences there is a much larger chance that you will infect someone. If you do, they will be extremely angry and bitter. This will put a tremendous strain on your relationship with them.

So think carefully about this dilemma. Consider the happiness of others. But also don't lose sight of your responsibility to do what makes YOU happy.

For some people, herpes is far worse than the flu. Some people have severe attacks. Others chronically experience recurrences. So avoiding herpes is certainly a prudent policy. Many of the steps for preventing herpes are the same as those for AIDS:

1. Don't be promiscuous. The more people you sleep with the greater the likelihood that you will catch herpes.
2. Avoid sexual contact with promiscuous people, since they are more likely to be infected.
3. Use a condom with new sexual partners or partners who may be promiscuous. 

  BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

I had a conversation with a lady friend the other day. She was recounting a tedious weekend experience with an octopus. You know, a gentleman - in gender alone - who, as the evening wore on, seemed to grow a dizzying array of arms, all of which kept appearing, without warning or permission, on various parts of her body.

We started talking about the tendency of some men to be rather annoying focused in their pursuit of...how can I put this delicately... “the goods”? This very issue, understandably, seems to have wadded the panties of a goodly part of the female population. Disgusted, the loudly ponder, “Don’t they think of anything else?”...“Don’t they want to get to know me”... “Is that all that’s on their piggy little minds?” Hey, easy now - that’s Mr. Piggy Little Mind to you.

So, I thought about this for awhile, which was quite a stretch, given that my mind is pretty well occupied with well, you know, the other. My opinion? OK, we men don’t deny that we spend a lot of time thinking about sex. Quite a bit more, by the way, than we actually spend doing it, according to the experts. When a beautiful, sexy woman walks by, most of us aren’t thinking, “My, what a stylish dresser she is. Gosh darn, wouldn’t Mom think the world of her?” No, suffice it to say, the thoughts slinking across our minds run decidedly more primitive.

we can’t help it. we can no more stop ourselves from thinking those thoughts than your cat can stop himself from stalking small furries and depositing them, trophy-like, half-chewed, on your living room rug. They are not thoughts we choose. They are thrust upon us. Trust me on this.

And while I can’t control those thoughts - and wouldn’t want to actually, so there - I can and do control my actions. If she’s not ready, why push it? Not too bright or evolved. Here’s a shocker, guys: It’s much more fun when she’s into it, too.

But evolutionarily speaking, men are wired for sexual conquest. This is not new information. The theme’s present in any number of scholarly works. And listen to society’s clichés: “Men are only after one thing...Men think with their______...Women need a reason, men need a place,” etc. Rule of thumb: If it’s achieved cliché status, it’s probably the way things are, as opposed to something that “you could change if you really wanted to.” Tell you what, ladies. Let’s make a deal. We men will stop doing that fixating on sex thing if you’ll cut out that PMS thing you do every month. I mean, it just causes lots of problems, makes life miserable for those around you, results in lost productivity, etc. Anyway you look at it, it’s a pain in the you-know-what. Not the same thing? Ah, I see. OK, we’ll make another deal with you. You stop thinking you know what it’s like to be a man, and we’ll extend the same courtesy to you. Not that we ever really knew - or claimed to know - what it was like.

And don’t forget, infidelity statistics are just a hair lower for women than they are for men. Men aren’t the only ones with sex on the brain. Taking a prehistoric stroll down memory lane, we see there was no place for silly rules like sexual exclusivity, while in “Go forth and multiply” mode. (Read “The Anatomy of Love,” by Dr. Helen Fisher, for a most fascinating discussion of how women were not sexually exclusive either, and for some very good biological reasons.) Food was abundant, and you could always use an extra pair of hands. These instincts served us well for millions of years. We not only survived, but thrived. Then, with the “proliferation thing” on autopilot, and the wine flowing, the Church busted the party. For the women anyway. Men were supposed to follow the same rules, but since they were running the show, society took a “nudge-nudge wink-wink” position on enforcement.

Now, women are holding a lot more marbles and the old doo-doo ain’t gonna fly no more. And simply because of 25-30 years of sociological shifts, the man’s basic nature (and their own, once) understood for millennia, has suddenly become oh-so inconvenient, politically incorrect and socially unacceptable. Kind of amusing, actually. One little problem: We’re talking millions of years of evolution, firmly imbedded in the chromosomes. OK, so tell me I’m full of it. Tell me I’m part of the problem. Then honesty ask yourself if your point of view on this has ever really made much of a difference.

The “Sensitive Male” of the 70s and 80s. Now, there’s one of our culprits. They lulled women with the deliciously false hope that men could easily change their basic nature. With their soft-spoken, communicative, poetry-espousing schtick, they seemed to so effortlessly grasp women’s pain and frustration. Falling all over themselves to admit to women that most men really were such beasts - by choice - they quickly added, “But hey, I’m different.” Yeah, they were different all right. They wanted to jump your bones the same as the other guy. They were just sneakier about it. Some things never change. And that’s a beautiful thing.

Being uncouth is one thing. Being a guy is another. A variation on an old stand-by: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept a man being a man, the courage to slap him silly when he’s being a low-class dog, and the wisdom to know the difference. Now, can we all go play nice?  

SEXY IS AS SEXY DOES...

Several years ago, I stood in a local dance club on a busy ladies night, and watched an amazing thing. A very pretty and animated blond woman was "holding court," surrounded by quite a posse of attentive suits and ties. She laughed easily, flirted admirably, and graciously gave everyone a spin on the dance floor. She was obviously enjoying herself immensely as were the moths dancing around her flame.

Where does the "amazing" part come in? Well, our blonde belle of the ball also happened to be about 40 lbs. overweight. Did it bother her little entourage? Apparently not. And don't start with the, "You know how guys get after too many beers; their standards go into the toilet; 'female and breathing' will do; blah, blah, blah..."

For the record, it wasn't that late, and it was a school night, so the drinking wasn't that methodical. And there were plenty of other good-looking women in the club getting a lot less attention, including her friend, who was much more attractive at first glance and much less on second. What was going on? Was the Braille convention in town? Overeaters Anonymous? No, these guys were all good-looking yuppie types with their major senses intact. It was her, of course.

She carried herself - and her extra weight, I might add - with a supremely confident air. She couldn't have cared less what anyone thought. If you liked the way she looked, great. If you didn't, so what? An attitude like that gets a man's attention, and causes men who wouldn't typically find someone like her attractive, suddenly and surprisingly - even to themselves - doing just that. The story provides one answer to the question: What makes a woman attractive...to men? I have to add that last qualification, because when I look at someone like Kate Moss, I gotta wonder. Who's doing the judging around here? It has to be other women. Do any men really find her attractive? None I know. Skinny, no curves, vapid expression. Hey, sets my loins ablaze...

A past issue of New Woman magazine had an article about what men find sexy in women, and their surprising revelations were reflected in the piece's title, "Too Good To Be True." Turns out, at least according to the guys in their survey, men like confidence, depth, intelligence, and straightforwardness more than perfect bodies, large breasts, baby soft skin, and gorgeous hair. Don't agonize over losing that last 10 pounds. Chances are, we really don't care about it. One guy loved the "cute" saddlebags on a woman's thighs. Really. You think that's strange, don't you? Wonderful, but strange. I don't.

I find a distinctive nose on a woman very sexy. A noble Roman nose, provided it doesn't block out the sun, will set you apart. One gentleman was shocked to discover that a woman friend of his spent $10,000 to change her wonderfully aquiline nose into one of those "little button jobs." Now, she looked like everyone else. Why on earth would she do that? Whose version of beauty is she buying into? Develop your own individual style, because by doing that, you're saying, "I like who I am," and that's very sexy.

I wish you could see the world as men do. I know, a scary thought, but it would probably be a very different picture than the one you've got. The bottom line is this: how a woman looks is less important than what she thinks about how she looks. And believe me: many, many men would agree. I'm not just delivering a pep talk that I don't buy myself. And no, it's not the male version of the women's old line about how "it's not the size; it's what you do with it." This one's true.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that most men love going out with overweight, unattractive women who like themselves. Not so, and you wouldn't believe me anyway. No matter how confident a 300 lb. woman is, her dance card is still going to be pretty empty. My point is simply is that too many women spend a lot of time wishing they were something that, 1) they'll never be, and 2) may not be what men want anyway. I know, you're doing it for for yourself, not for men. Yeah, OK. Whatever.

And don't believe everything you see. Guys are funny. Just because we're swooning over a real dish doesn't mean she's the type we're realistically looking for. It's been wisely said that the type of woman men like to be seen with is often dramatically different than the type they marry. We love talking to beautiful women, are awed by them, and we want to believe they have everything we're looking for. But too often, this kind of woman doesn't have the staying power. Really stunning women are often pretty one-dimensional. They've bought their own press and because they rarely have to do anything but just be in order to attract attention, they make little effort to develop any other side of themselves.

Buy into the conventional image of beauty and you fall into the trap of deciding what men really want. You're liable to be wrong, and more importantly, if the picture you've come up with is a far cry from your reality, you'll be walking around feeling "less than." And trust me, it'll show.

Want to know what was the #1 trait of the very sexiest woman, according to just about every man in the article above? A woman with whom they could share "easy conversation." If you could only see how we men struggle with having any conversation - much less "easy conversation" - with a beautiful woman who's a few sandwiches short of a picnic, you wouldn't worry nearly so much. If you often find yourself bitterly complaining that men seem to want only busty blondes, I'm here to tell you, it's not true. Channel that energy instead into getting comfortable with who you are and maximizing what you have. If you can pull those two off, your confidence is going to soar. And you'll get really good at something really important: easy conversation. Amazing how that works.  

Don't be so Sure...

Intimacy. Like a phantom, it appears briefly, like a flash, it then vanishes just as quickly. We’re left to wonder: Did I just imagine it? How can I get it back? How can I create it consistently? And when I say intimacy, I’m not talking about sex. Compared to intimacy, sex is pretty clear-cut. We all know what sex looks like, when it’s “supposed” to happen, and naturally, the “right” and “wrong” way to do it. And of course, most of us are pretty sure that other people - you know, They - are having more and better sex than we are. Bottom line: When we’re not be getting as much of it as we’d like, we certainly have a good picture of what it is we’re missing.

But, intimacy’s trickier to define and attain. A common perception says it blooms when two people share themselves to the point where they really know each other inside and out. Sounds logical. But reality often dictates just the opposite. Familiarity breeds tedium and routine, if not outright contempt. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t have to be that way, but so often, it is.

I just finished a very fascinating seminar entitled “Sex and Intimacy,” delivered by an outfit called Landmark Education. Landmark provides a variety of breakthrough seminars, including their classic 3 1/2 day cornerstone program, The Forum. If you want to shake up your thinking and your perspectives in a unique, refreshing, and highly effective manner, do The Forum. It’s wild, woolly and wonderful. Yes, this is a plug. But, I promise, no Ginzu knives are waiting for me when you sign up. Just do it. You’ll thank me for it.

The “Sex and Intimacy” seminar delved into the nature of these two concepts, including, for starters, all the perceptions and expectations we have of sex; in short, all of the unconscious impressions we carry around with us, which drive us in the arena of sex. And you can’t discuss sex and intimacy without delving into every aspect of life. It’s not an issue that starts and ends at the bedroom door. It has enormous impacts in the arenas of our job, family, friends, community, and of course, romance. What keeps us from generating intimacy in our lives? Pride, ego, our need to control, to know, to be right, to win. You mean, it’s not just shyness? Wouldn’t it be nice if it was that easy? All of the above kill off intimacy, because each of them, in some way, is a commitment to certainty, to a fixed picture of something, to having to know in advance how it’s all going to turn out. And when we “know,” we stop exploring. We can’t go any further, because there’s no place else to go, and no need to go there. Hence, routine, predictability, the “rut.”

When real intimacy is present, what does it feel like? Well, it’s special, if for no other reason than it’s so rare. It’s not something that shows up when we’re being egotistical, or when we’re committed to being right or to “knowing.” It seems far more likely that intimacy happens when there’s a commitment to not knowing how things are going to unfold. Intimacy arrives when it’s given a wide berth of acceptable faces.

When we walk around believing we’re the center of the universe - which is standard-issue human baggage - or that we’re smarter than most people, or that we’re a “loner,” or more enlightened than our neighbor, or any number of a million other ways of acting, they all work admirably to keep us from connecting with our fellow man or woman. And given the fact that as human beings, we live our lives out of one or more of these contexts on a more or less consistent basis, is it any wonder that real intimacy is so elusive?

What is about those people whose primary romantic relationships are so powerful? We all know a few couples who enjoy phenomenal closeness, fun, laughter, and...intimacy. Why does it always seem so fresh? We’ve all heard the descriptions: “They’re just as excited about each other today as when they met 25 years ago,” or “They’re like two school kids.” Is it just because they know each other inside and out? What’s their secret?

It would appear that these people, whose enviable relationships sadly stand out as the rare exception to the rule, are committed to never really knowing each other. They insist on always seeing the other as new and unpredictable people. What else could keep two people excited about each other after years together? They allow for the possibility that the other person can constantly surprise them, constantly amaze them, constantly appear as someone unrecognizable. They’re committed to the mystery. And in the mystery is the intimacy.

This is quite a different face of intimacy. It could give us pause every time we meet someone new and immediately set about excavating them like an archaeological dig, scouring, dusting, and taking inventory of every square inch of ground. Might it not be enough to just know that they’re decent, honest people with values that match ours, and leave the rest to unfold in the “dance “ of life, creating and discovering over the years to come? All in favor of trying something new?

Sex After Fifty - The 5 Most Asked Questions:

l) Is it natural that women loose their sex drive around the age of fifty?

Not so! If a woman is in good health there is no reason why her sex drive has to suffer. It is true that a woman's estrogen levels recede during her menopause years but many women report that they have never enjoyed better sex than in their fifties. In general, at that age, women have learned to accept themselves.

They feel more secure, they understand what they want and like and are more able to express their wishes and needs. Also, there's no more worrying about pregnancy or the kids in the next room. It's up to your and your partner to make magic.

2) Can anything increase sexual desire?

Absolutely! Exercise is our top recommendation. Regular exercise increases your sense of well being through the release of endorphins. It will also increases your blood circulation, your hormone levels and stimulate your sex drive. Additionally,

thinking about sex, talking about it with your partner, seeing a sensuous movie together or reading a sexy book, making an effort to create sexually enticing moments with your partner can work wonders. Touch, hug, hold hands. Do the unexpected. The best way to keep your sexual adventure alive is staying engaged in the process. The more you do it, the better it works.

3) Is vaginal dryness a sign of sexual impotence?

Not at all. Vaginal dryness happens to every woman as she matures. It is primarily a result of low estrogen levels but can have a number of other causes: Lack of moisture before and during intimacy can happen at any age and is often stress related. Intimate dryness can also be caused by the use of certain medications such as antibiotics or anti-depressants. For vaginal dryness an intimate moisturizer is the best solution. It solves the dryness problem instantly and feels far more natural than lubricants. Many couples report that the use of an intimate moisturizer has made their sexual encounters more fun and more pleasurable.  

4) Can hormones increase sexual drive?

In some cases yes, but hormones such as estrogen or testosterone are potent drugs that offer large benefits such as increasing sexual desire but also present considerable health risks which need to be discussed with your doctor first. So called hormone creams that can be bought over the counter including “mexican jam” extract creams have found to be ineffectual. If your libido is low it's a good idea to have your hormone levels checked.

5)What do I do when my partner has lost interest?

How is the communication between you? Close, trusting or uneasy, even strained? Usually sexual relations mirror the general state of the relationship. If that's not the problem, ask yourself what is happening in his/her life? How is

your partner’s general health? Does he/she suffer from depression? Is he/she in poor physical condition? A happy sexual relationship may be a reflection of our overall health, Emotional blocks and stress can put a permanent damper on a couple's sexual desire. The same is true for physiological problems like depression, heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure and the medications to treat these problems. All can severely affect our sexual lives. Open communication, the willingness of both partners to address the problems together is the first step back to a joyful emotional and sexual relationship.

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com

  How to Invigorate Your Sexual Drive, If it's Lagging:

Identify the problem: Is it psychological or physiological? Are you suffering from depression and taking an anti-depressant such as Zoloft, Prozac or Paxil? These medications may make you feel better but they can also depress your sexual drive. Discuss with your doctor the dosage and if you can go off drugs occasionally or switch to an anti-depressant like Welbutrin that does not dampen your sexual drive. Furthermore, be aware that many other medications such as antibiotics, birth control pills, tranquilizers, cholesterol or blood pressure reducing drugs, even antihistamines can depress your sexual desires.

Is it you or your partner? Are you and your partner compatible in bed? Are you able to reach orgasm? Do you feel satisfied after your lovemaking? If not, ask yourself if you can get sexually excited through fantasy, pleasing yourself to reach orgasm, reading or seeing a sexy episode and get aroused? If your answer is yes, lack of desire is most probably not your problem. Maybe your lukewarm interest is partner specific.

Have your hormones checked. Maybe there's an imbalance. Estrogen and testosterone have an important role in our sexual drive. As we mature these key hormones decrease. Your doctor can advise you if any hormone therapy is advisable.

Are you comfortable to communicate openly about sex? Do you discuss the details of lovemaking with your partner? Tell him exactly what you like, how to touch you, find out what really pleases him? A really good sexual understanding between the two of you is the best way to wonderful intimacy and sensuousness. Besides, frankness, loving communication is a great sexual stimulator.

Are you comfortable with your body? If you're self conscious about those extra pounds on your hips, start exercising. It promotes blood flow and sexual response. If you like your body, others will quickly understand the message and take notice. If you are trying to hide your body it is difficult to feel relaxed while making love. A healthy diet, a regular exercise program pro-motes well-being and the way you look. Liking your body is a good start to have others like it.

Is intimacy uncomfortable because you are too dry? 54% of all women have vaginal dryness problems because of stress, low estrogen levels, or because the moisture the body produces is only sufficient for procreation but not for extended, recreational lovemaking. An intimate moisturizer prevents vaginal dryness and lets you enjoy lovemaking as long as you want without discomfort. Many men report that they find it incredibly exciting to be massaged with the magic potion.

Create a conducive environment: A dinner with candlelight, a bottle of wine,  music that is a romantic message to both of you, a little fragrance in the bend of your knee, a pretty lounge-around outfit all add to creating the desirable mood. While preparing, think about all the things you are going to do to him and what will please you the most. Share the fantasy with him. The most powerful sex organ is your mind. Use it creatively in order to conjure up the most wonderful intimate moments.  

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